Til Death Do Us Part? Not really!

When we carefully look around, till death do us a part? We find connections between life and death everywhere. The Chinese care about their ancestors; they believe their ancestors always care for and protect them somehow. My grandfather was a salt merchant, the fourth generation and the last salt merchant. When I came to the USA alone for graduate school, I had applied to several schools, but ended up in Syracuse, NY. I did not know its salt history and I was never interested in history. Coming to America alone must have really made my ancestors worried. From their best knowledge, salt merchants could take care of me and my future family. I spent eight years there. We used to go to Onondaga Lake a lot, before and after my son was born, but I never noticed its salt history. Only this year, I learned about the salt history of Syracuse. The salt processing was almost the same as in Zigong, except my ancestors had natural gas to boil the brine.

My ancestor's knowledge obviously was not updated; they must have seen how difficult our life was in Syracuse. I was having an extremely challenging time during my first year; my English was not good enough to simply join a graduate forest biology school. I just had a tough time following the classes. I even reviewed textbooks before the classes and reviewed again afterwards. I was the only foreign student in all the classes. On top of that, my boyfriend in Japan with whom I had kept contact for four years got married. He gave up on us and did not trust American influences on me, and he did not want to come to America and give up his scholarship in Japan. I felt very lost and lonely. On the second day of my second year, Barb and Anthony showed up at my office door; Barb introduced Anthony to me. The three of us walked to our statistics class together. Soon after, Barb found a job and left the school. Anthony and I continued our classes together. I did not have much contact with the other students; they never had any interactions with people with foreign accents. They did not understand me and would not be able to help me. I asked one of the PhD students a question; he tried hard, stared into my eyes, and listened to what I said. I repeated it several times until he understood my question; sadly, he said he was sorry and did not know the answer. Anthony was different from the rest of the students. He was patient and gentle. He tilted his head so he could listen very carefully. He also lent me his notes from other classes and tried his best to help me. Only later, I learned that he had been a transient member of a religious community during his undergraduate studies; he went to Liberia and taught students there and in the New York city area. He came to graduate school to study plant biology, but more importantly helped me. I do not think I could have finished my degree or even to survive in Syracuse without him. The influence of my ancestors or 'fathers of Botany'? "Many of the world's most renowned and exciting ornamental plants-including magnolias, roses, rhododendrons, tree peonies, lilies, and blue poppies-have their origins in China. In the mid-nineteenth century, professional plant hunters were dispatched by nurseries and botanic gardens to collect living botanical specimens from China for cultivation in Europe, and it is these adventurers and nurserymen who are often credited with the explosive bloom of Chinese flowers in the West. But as Jane Kilpatrick shows in Fathers of Botany, the first Westerners to come upon and document this bounty were in fact cut from a different cloth: the clergy". https://www.abebooks.com/9781842465141/Fathers-Botany-discovery-Chinese-plants-1842465147/plp

I could not find a job after completing my master’s degree. My husband applied to many jobs without receiving any response. Our son was 2 years old. My ancestors must have known and guided us to apply for a Chinese flora editorial job. My husband mentioned to me at the beginning that he did not think he was qualified. I asked him to bring home the job description since he did not find anything yet and his postdoctoral position was only short-term. I carefully reviewed the job description and helped my husband apply by adding my own CV to show our range of experience. Later at his interview, we learned that they tried for two years to fill this position; it was the perfect fit. I only needed to help my husband in Chinese every now and then, not much at all since the first drafts were already in English. The Herbaria for the editorial center had the most Chinese plants collected in the early 1900s, many from my home province Sichuan. Many were collected by the 'Fathers of Botany.' Dr. Shiu-Ying Hu ( 胡秀英; 22 February 1910-22 May 2012), a Chinese botanist attempted to start the Flora of China in the 1950s, but except for her extensive card index and a number of manuscripts, did not gain momentum. One of her students ended up teaching at the graduate school in Syracuse where we had attended. Years later, Dr. Peter H. Raven, who himself was born in Shanghai in 1936, enabled the Flora of China to finally succeed. "In 1996 Raven, Axelrod, and Al-Shehbaz wrote a paper on the history of the modern flora of China, Europe, and the continental United States. They said that the three regions have approximately the same geographic area, yet China has two times the number of species as the United States, and three times as many as Europe. They asserted that all three regions had essentially the same flora as of 15 million years ago, but China came to possess the most species because of three reasons. First, China has a tropical rain forest. Second, there is an unbroken gradient of vegetation from the tropical rain forest to "boreal coniferous forests that has persisted and afforded habitats characterized by equable climates during the last 15 million years, when massive extinctions were taking place elsewhere in the Northern Hemisphere...such continuity is interrupted in North America by the Gulf of Mexico and in Europe by the Alps, the Mediterranean, and the Sahara Desert." The third reason was due to the impact of the Indian subcontinent with Asia starting 50 million years ago, making a "highly dissected, elevated geography."https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peter_H._Raven".

I needed to work in order for us to be able to afford the house we wanted. With his supervisor's help, the library offered me a part time job, still I needed someone to watch my 2 years old son. I did look into daycare, it cost more than I could make. No one except Anthony's 88 years old grandmother could come to help us watch my son. Nana helped us move into our new house, I thought I made it happen on my own but more players were involved. Anthony has been searching his side of family history for many years now, a recent finding was surprising that it proved not only my side ancestors helped. Anthony's side as well. The oldest house in my city is the Phineas Upham House is less than a mile away from our house, Lt. Phineas Upham was husband of first cousin 10x removed of wife of brother in law of 1st cousin 2xremoved. This person has distance conections on Nana's family tree.

“一日夫妻，百世姻缘。百世修来同船渡，千世修来共枕眠《增广贤文》means "One hundred years of cultivation one can sit in the same boat, and one thousand years of cultivation can lead to marriage." This phrase comes from the Ming Dynasty book "Zengguang Xianwen." Since ancient times, the Chinese believed in reincarnation, people had past, present, and future lives. That is why there is a saying that "a couple for one day, a marriage for a hundred generations," which means that we can be a husband and wife for one day in this life, which is a blessing from a hundred lives of cultivation. There are also similar words: "The Buddha said: Looking back five hundred times in the previous life, only in exchange for passing by in this life." This sentence comes from "Looking Back" by the modern poet Xi Murong (席慕蓉). 一日夫妻百日恩 means one day husband and wife means hundred days gratefulness. A day together as husband and wife means endless devotion the rest of your life; one night of love is worth a hundred of friendship. DNA studies of current human populations and archaeological remains added much more history for both of us. I knew I was related to Native Americans, but never thought I was related to Canadian Inuits (Dorset 200 AD, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dorset_culture ), and an indigenous Brazilian tribe (Botocudo, 1600 AD, https://dna-explained.com/2015/07/02/botocudo-ancient-remains-from-brazil/ ). I was even more surprised that Anthony and I share the same ancient relative in the remains of a 7th Crusade battle in Lebanon. Also, ancient relatives from both of our families left their bones at Skeleton Lake in the Himalaya (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roopkund) at nearly the same time, my side from 1800 AD (genetic distance 20.168), and Anthony’s side from 1805 AD (genetic distances for two individuals 21.168 and 25.838).

My mom was released from the hospital while her sister JuMing (举铭)died at home.

My mom turned 91 this past March and she has been free from taking any pills since her dementia. Her blood pressure was fine since she didn’t have to worry about anything. I chat with her every week and she just looks at me most of the time, and sometimes she would make comments that I do not understand.

    One of her routines is to read newspapers, her generation gets their information from newspapers. She could not read any words now, but an old habit is to hold a newspaper, sometimes even upside down.

    She forgot about my father's aide that she used to hate; she accepted her as someone familiar, rather than a stranger. They shares the same bedroom. Her aide takes her out everyday to meet other coworkers downstairs since they worked and lived together all their life. Most residents of the building are seniors with or without their adult children, a lot of  aides also get a chance to gather, to chat with each other, and sometimes even play Mahjong on the garden table, while all of the seniors in their care sit in a circle in their wheelchairs. Some seniors can talk to each other, while others like my mom just watch. She could not make conversation anymore. But she knows them and fears strangers. 

    My mom has swallowing problems due to her dementia. Feeding her has been a problem. She does not open her mouth. My brother turns his head every time he hears my mom choking on her food. He said that when the aide went back home, he would be the one to take care of my mom. It takes him over 40 minutes to feed her, but the aide was always in a hurry because she wants to take my mom outside so the aide could meet the other aides in the garden.  My brother is still working 24-hour or 48-hour shifts at the airport so he does not have to work daily. I worry about his health; he said he could sleep there since the airport was not busy. When he is not working, he stays at home to watch over my mom. I tried to tell him to go out somewhere and take a vacation, since the aide is there 24/7.   I said our mom is 91 and she could leave us any time, so you have to prepare for it, but he did not say a word, but was in tears.  He is the only one there taking care about my mom since my sister and I could not travel to China since the Pandemic started in 1999.  

    This year, my mom was in the hospital twice already due to aspiration pneumonia. Her aide had to feed her slowly with thicker liquid food.   My mom held the food in her mouth and forgot how to swallow.  The day before Chengdu locked down on September 1st, she was choking on her food and threw up most of it. She had a seizure at 3 AM and my brother and her aide took her to the hospital.  She was having another aspiration pneumonia. Due to COVID testing, they waited four hours for the result.  

 The capital of Sichuan province, Chengdu, locked down its 21 million residents to contain the Covid outbreak. Chengdu is the biggest city to shut down since Shanghai’s awful two-month lockdown earlier this year. The move upset the lives of millions of people and businesses, affecting China’s economy and beyond. The Wuhan Institute Of Virology thought they were studying coronavirus with the USA by collecting thousands of bats from caves all over China over the past decade, resulting in a big outbreak and they had no clue about how to make effective vaccines. They also refused to buy effective vaccines for the country's 1.4 billion people; instead, they chose to lockdown the whole country, whole cities one by one and test millions each day; they pulled out every positive case to isolation by force.  27 individuals died when a bus transporting them to a COVID-19 quarantine facility crashed in southwest Guizhou.

    My brother could not go to the hospital to see my mom; her infection was under control after 10 days hospital stay. We were talking about how to change her feeding tube at home. 

    Then she was infected again, this time worse than before. Three other patients sharing her room passed away, and then she was the only one left. Her low grade fever kept coming back. All of the antibiotics on the list had been used except one, Colistin, also known as polymyxin E. The hospital did not have it in stock; my brother had to apply and go through obtaining layers of leaders approvals. All of the other antibiotics were cheap, a couple hundred yuan but this one was over 8000/day for 3 doses. She ended up using 4 doses per day for 10 days. The aide is with her 24/7, tube feeding her through her nose, changing her diapers and cleaning her, reporting to her nurses and doctors. My brother pays her 300/day plus food in the hospital. Normally she gets 150/day, 300 on weekends and holidays. Since my brother is single, he does work on weekends and holidays a lot. My mom's monthly pension is only 4000. Her insurance had an app setup on my brother's phone, since my brother could not get inside of the hospial, he had to give his phone to the nurse to videotape my mom. My brother had to pay all of the expenses first, then get reimbursed by the insurance company. I asked him if my sister and I could send money over, he said NO. We do not know how much he paid for my dad's expenses, but we know our mom does not qualify for a lot of benefits compared to my dad. My dad could stay in a 2-person room, my mom could not even go there even though there are vacant rooms. My mom stayed in a room for four patients, plus an aide at each patient's bedside. That is 8 persons, without any private bathroom inside; they all had to go out of the room to use public bathrooms. The other three patients died soon after.  

    My sister was ready to request her favorite Buddhist Tzu Chi (慈濟) to ask them to help my mom reach a pure land Sukhavati.  We have been praying for my mom in our Catholic church and requested prayers from Carmelite communities worldwide.  Jonathan and Richard get regular updates from me, I use Free video WeChat with my brother daily, except when he is working. I caught him smoking, he used to hide from me by putting down his phone and sometimes I saw smoke. I asked him, "smoking again?" He picked up the phone and smiled and said he smokes much less now. Now he was smoking while talking to me, and did not even care any more. I really worry about him. I told him to stop smoking. I asked him to come to US so no one would give him cigarettes, since there is no cigarette-sharing culture in US. My father quit when he came to our home; he brought 2 cartoons but did not even smoke 2 packs. He had to go outside to smoke alone. He quit 'cold turkey' at age 70s. He then told every one of his smoking colleagues to quit, since he stopped coughing in the morning, and had much more strength. My brother could hop on Air China to come to US for free but he has never visited here, not even once. I worry about him.  I could feel my mom has tried her best to keep my brother company. Not being able to see my brother, not being able to video WeChat with my sister and me must have been very hard on her. My mom was making great progress while my oldest uncle's wife turned 93, she moved to Shenzhen, the southern coastal city of Fujian. Her son bought a separate condo for her, her retired daughter and son took turns to stay with her, so she has someone with her 24/7. She loves playing MaJong and she has been playing it since she retired at age 55. She tried to join the local senior Majong club but the club refused her because she was too old. So her son and daughter play Majong with her at home, but Majong needs four persons per table, just two is really difficult. So she gradually lost interest. Since she has a pinched nerve, sitting down a long time is really not good for her. Her children took her downstairs to walk for one hour every day. Shenzhen's summer is no fun walking, especially when walking an hour. Her son and daughter were so hot and sweating, but she was not hot! Not hot at all! She sometimes needs to take a sleeping pill, although most prescription drugs do not need a prescription to buy in any drug store, sleeping pills are a controlled medicine. Her son could only get them for seven days at a time, plus he did not think it was good for her so he switched the sleeping pills with vitamins. Afer a while, her mom started to complain, "what kind of sleeping pill was this? it does not work. Can you ask the doctor to prescribe a different kind of sleeping pill"? We think she should be able to take sleeping pills at her age, since she does not really take any other pills.

My mom's sister died in her sleep at home a few days ago, while my mom was ready to be released from the hospital. She was the number 7 sister in the big Guan family and my mom is number 6. She was a few days short of 88. She graduated from China's University of Geosiences in Beijing, the same university from which the 6th Premier Wen Jiabao graduated. She spent all her life working in the Sichuan Institute of Geology & Mineral Resources. Compared to my parents working for the oil company, she was really poor since they do research, then turn over whatever they found to the industries. Premier Wen Jiabao made the change to the Sichuan Bureau of Geology & Mineral Resources, they were then better than our parents' oil company. Since Sichuan produces most natural gas, but Russian gas took a big piece away from them, and they were the only one in town before. My aunt received a good retirement but she felt cheated for her life. She wasted a lot of her life in politics, she also lost her husband from cancer. When she was introduced to Falun Gong, she completely dove into it. She did not care about anything else except Falun Gong. She was no long shopping or cooking for her working kids. All she talked about was to ask people to join Falun Gong, my mom was interested in the beginning, but lost interest after a while. She was upset with her and her brother, starting her complaints to the Communist Party. My uncle said to her that she benefited from the Communist party, her education, job, housing, pension, free health care, plus she was a lifelong member of Communist party, why she turned her back against it. She was on her own for a few years, practiced Falun Gong meditations all day long, refused her high blood presure, cholesterol medicine till she collapsed one day. She almost died, she was really weak, restricted at home after. She gradually got into Buddhist meditation and gave up Falun Gong. She had a stroke last year which made her even worse. The last gathering right before my oldest uncle died in 2000. She was in blue in photo.

My brother who has a car helped her daughter and son, just the three of them, since none of them were married, and had no children either, and since China was still locked down, and gatherings were not encouraged. My brother helping them for two days at the crematorium. Then my brother went to the hospital to take my mom home. My mom was pleased to come home and she was talking to my brother. My brother was in a much better mood as well. He bought an oxygen machine for my mom too. Hoping my mom could recover soon and start walking again. She was in the hosptial for over one month, from August 31st to October 9th. My mom is the only survivor of her five siblings.

The total cost of my mom's hospital stay was 190,000 yuan. The Chinese need to pay the hospital cash and then get reimbursed by their insurance, the many different levels that hospitals do not undertake. My mom paid out of her pocket 12000 yuan, paid her aide 13000 yuan who was with her 24/7. Admittedly, most was from my brother since my mom only gets 4000/month, not even enough for her aide. Now my mom has to live with the feeding tube through her nose from now on. Her tube needs to be changed every 3 weeks. Her aide and my brother cook the normal food and blend it first, then use a big syringe to force them in, washing the tube with clean water afterward. Her maide loves the color red, like most farmers in China. She even changed my dad's white underwear to red color. My mom loves clapping her hands whenever you ask and she plays with her toys too. Thanks to the free WeChat, I could have a videochat with her at night, which is her morning. I play a video speaking Zigong dialect by a Chinese person in France and using French. The best and closest to her which I could find for her, and even the girl looks like one of our cousins. My mom loves it, she stares at it and I play it over and over again. Sometimes I also play the songs she used to love. We all had changed our dialect to the Chengdu dialect. Each place has their own dialect, so even when we speak Mandarin, one can tell where you from by your accent. We all understand our own dialect, might not be able to speak anymore. I used to be able to speak Zigong dalect, and changed to Nanchong dialect when I joined my mom's workplace there, and then changed to Chengdu dialect. Living overseas most of my life now, my accent changed again, so it is mixed, and some even think I have a Taiwan accent. Maybe influenced by my sister's family from Taiwan.

My mom is getting stronger again, my brother could hold her hands walking now, she loves to follow my brother clapping her hands, and of course reading the newspaper. She could stare at the paper for half an hour.

Reborn - Chongxi, or Jianxi (冲喜, 见喜)

"Chongxi', or "Jianxi" is a kind of folk belief behavior in Asian countries such as China and India. Let marriage chase the bad luck and diseases away, reborn. Under the pandemic a year ago, my father, my oldest uncle, and my husband's great aunt Rose passed away. All 3 died a month before their birthday, 87,94, and 105, respectively. We did not have any family gatherings, everything was online through Zoom, Faceboook, or WeChat.

During the lockdown for the Pandemic, I started working from home every other day to my office. After becoming fully vaccinated, I went back to work in my office full-time this past May. My oldest son Jonathan was a second-year resident in a hospital in New York State, and he was working in the emergency room at the time.

,

Richard was still a medical student doing his rotations, so he was well protected and was not exposed to Covid-19. He was having fun learning.

Joe was working in a local pharmacy while studying online; he and his girlfriend were very busy providing COVID vaccine shots in their respective pharmacies, an appointment every 15 minutes.

A wedding is a sign of hope and rebirth. My father's side of the family celebrated the first wedding during the pandemic this past May. My father's generation poem: 子宗国景方,原文肇自唐, 嘉庆创继业, 树德建朝纲, 长龙传家远, 学耕互商联. My father is 文， I am 肇，this one is 自。韩自强(means Self-improvement) The same generation with my children.

Richard and Paola's wedding was celebrated on June 26th. They both graduated from Middleberry College, met while voluteering at the Open Door Clinic, a free health clinic for uninsured and under-insured adults in Addison County, Vermont. Paola continued working for the clinic after graduation and Richard volunteered when he was free. At the same time, she recruited her own sister, a junior at Harvard University, to volunteer for the Clinic too. They brought vaccines to remote farms and set up vaccination sites. Together, they contributed to Vermont having the highest vaccination rate in the country and the lowest Covid infections as well. It was the first time our family of five gathered in one place since the Pandemic, Jonathan almost did not make it since he had a graduatation to attend on Friday, and had to be in the hospital at 6 AM on Monday. He was able to travel on Friday and give his speach on Zoom for the graduation online and flew back on Sunday morning. I was so pleased to see my favorite flower Magnolia × alba. the pleasantly fragrant flower used and arranged together to be worn by brides during the traditional wedding ceremony. I bought all of the shopkeeper's supply for the day.

The 3rd marriage this year was a surprise; my sister called and told me that her brother-in-law just got married again. She was very proud to tell me that she made this happen without any effort. One of her co-workers was asking if there was any suitable man for her. She just mentioned that her brother-in-law was single again after a divorce many years ago. The next thing was that her coworker wanted to visit her home. So while my sister prepared a dinner for her, she was wandering around the house looking at photos. My sister was not aware of her intention until she asked who was your brother-in-law in the photo. My sister pointed to him in the photo. Her coworker said, "he looks good". My sister was surprised that she wanted to see her brother-in-law James in person. They met and things took off from there; the next thing was that they got married. James' mother was so happy that her son was happy again and lost 7lbs in a very short time. The whole family had a celebration in a restaurant to welcome the new bride. The bride is the oldest in her family, she has 2 younger brothers, one got the family orchard and the other got the family business. She had earlier married into her husband's family, eventually divorcing without any children. James and his first wife tried to have a child in his first marriage but failed, then she tried artificial insemination and got pregnant with a boy. It was a natural birth at full term but the doctor told them the boy died the second day. It was a big blow for them and her mom since her mom had already moved into their home and was ready to take care of her grandson. Then James and his wife divorced. If they had sold the house, none of them could afford to buy another one just like this one. So her mom suggested that they keep the house, living their own way of life, James vs his ex-wife and mother-in-law under the same roof. It looked as if his first wife wanted to prove herself, so she went out and got herself pregnant again. This time with a poor Spanish-speaking young man, but her mom would not accept the poor man as her husband. Very soon, she brought her son home and the father never showed up, not even once. James accepted the boy as his own, the family of four lived happily for many years. Two years ago, her mom passed away from cancer. Her mom wanted to see her daughter married. She did manage to find another Chinese man who accepted her son and with her dying mom's approval. James kept good relationships with them since they all love this boy. When James told them he got married, his ex-wife told him that she wanted half of his house even though she did not make a single payment. James took out a loan and paid his ex-wife for her half. Together with his new wife, they will pay the loan back together.

My Oldest Uncle Guan, Ju -Jin Passed Away at age 93

My oldest uncle Guan, Ju Jin (官举晶, #10 in boys) was born on January 16th, 1927, passed away on November 19th at 3:58 PM 2020, two months short from his 94th birthday. The last time I was able to talk to him was in August when his youngest son from Shenzhen was visiting. His son give him his cell phone to see me through WeChat. He woke up from his nap on the couch, and he repeatedly called my name "Ying, Ying, is that you?". He was really clear compared to my mom. I took a sreen shot of him.

His son told me that he was planning to take his parents to Chengdu to visit my mom and aunt in September. I was not sure it was a good idia since we were still under the Pandemic, his dad was 93 and his mom was 91, 3.5 hours drive to my city. He insisted to let them gather before the winter, since there was no COVID-19 in SW part of China except for a few imported ones back in February. All life had been back to normal for more than 6 months. The reunion was very emotional, my aunt was the youngest of 4, she cried the most. My uncle did not recognize my mom in the restaurant, but he was able to recognize my mom after they came back home. He started to cry and asked why my mom lost so much weight. Her face used to be very full, my 89 years old mom was scared from that many strangers around. She did not recognize her older brother. They drove home after dinner the same day.

I talk to my mom every week via WeChat, she holds my brother's cell phone and stares at me most of the time. She does not talk, but refuses to let the phone go until she closes her eyes napping. If my brother takes the phone away from her, she wakes up and looks at me again. I just kept talking to her, usually for an hour without her saying anything. Since she just saw her older brother and his wife, and my mom's and uncles' younger sister, I started to ask her about them. I mentioned her brother's wife, the best cook in the family. I asked my mom if she could go shopping so her brother's wife could cook. She did not say anthing, so I said maybe it is best to let her shop since she was the one who was going to cook, just tell her what dishes she likes to eat. Spicy chicken or rabbit were my mom's favorite dishes. All of a sudden, my mom started to talk, she asked my brother to give my aunt money so she could go shopping. She and my brother started a conversation. That was amazing, since she had not talked in full sentences for a long time. She remembered her oldest brother, who gave up his college education to work to support the whole family. He gave every penny he earned to my grandmother, to take care of her 5 kids and disabled bedridden husband. He refused to get married so he could support all of his 3 sisters and his brother in college.

His son said his dad could still eat more than he could at age of 93. Every time he came home, he loved to take his parents out to enjoy their favorite food. He did not show any sickness at all. He took a shower the night before, his wife found him unresponsive in the morning. My uncle was survived by his wife, a daughter and two sons, 3 granddaughers and 1 grandson. His oldest son, a professor at the University of Liverpool, 2 granddaughters and great granddaughter would not be able to go back since UK was still in full lockdown. I did not go to say goodbye to my father in March, now I lost my loving uncle who was my acting father for my first 9 years. I do not remember him ever raising his voice to his children or me. He used to walk an hour each way to work, he thought it was a very good way to excercise. I used to be very picky about food; he used to tell me eat the same amount of food no matter I liked it or not. It is good for my health. Most people eat more for something they like, less or none if not liked.

None of his children live nearby, he and his wife have a woman in her 60s to help them out. They are just so content to live their simple life. I was there 2 years ago, I was sorry that I did not make it there last year since my father was so sick in the hospital. I was planning to visit them this year. I guess it is good that he did not suffer much or at least not suffer long before his death. He had such a good life and forever remains an example for us.

My Father Passed Away from Melanoma at age 87

Wen-Jian Han's obituary    

This past summer, my father’s nose kept bleeding. The doctors were afraid of doing a biopsy since he was over 86 years old with other problems, so nothing was done except for stopping the bleeding and using an antibacterial drug.  My brother was able to find a younger doctor a few months later who was brave enough to do a biopsy to figure out if it was cancer.  The result was cancer but we could not tell my father. We told him it was a polyp. Now at the end of the year, the tumor extended beyond his nose and was still bleeding, sometimes more, mostly a slow drip.  His doctor said surgery is very risky. He might not be able to wake up from surgery. They tried to organize a group of specialists to meet and discuss his situation, and then give us their recommendations.

    I flew to China on Monday November 18th, and did not get to my parents' home until the 20th.  I brought our Catholic Prayer cards, which I added into the crowded family altar, which included a long Tibetan Buddhist prayer and a few Han Buddhist statues, and a Taoism symbol.  My sister said all prayers are welcome here.  

     We all went to the hospital to visit my father right away. He was in bed, and I went over and hugged him. He held me really hard and started to cry.  My 88-year old mom was sitting on a wheelchair, and my brother, sister, and I all gathered around my father. 

     My father started to talk. First, he said his aide was so wonderful and he felt bad that she had to get up so many times during the night to help him. She had to help the nurse during the day and go out of the hospital to buy meals. The aide didn’t lose the opportunity to talk; she said she had to carry my dad to use the bathroom 7 or 8 times each night. Later, I found out that was a lie. She massaged my dad’s legs 3 hours a day so her hands hurt. Later, the physical therapist said the massaging was wrong due to my father’s high risk of blood clots. My dad used to go downstairs to exercise every morning at 6 AM until she came into his life a little over two years ago. He became more and more dependent on her, now his back failed so that he could not even stand up and needed her to carry him to the wheelchair. He could not walk anymore. Her pay started at 2700/month; my brother gave her 8000/month plus whatever my dad gave her for take-out meals...  

     Then he said he was sorry to burden my brother, so that my brother could not even find any social time to find a mate to get married. He was at work and home only. He is going to die alone since he was not married and didn’t have any kids. I said we, my sister and I, would take care of him. 

     Then, he talked about my mom so I pushed my mom over to him so he could reach her hand. My mom stared at him trying to figure out who he is.  My father did not look at her but held her hand saying sorry that he had to leave her behind. My mom didn’t say anything but tears ran down her cheek. When she looked at the aide, she stared at her with anger and she didn’t say a word. 

     My sister and I went back to the hospital and my brother was home with my mom. The first concern was why the aide was going out of the hospital to buy meals from the restaurant. The board above my father’s bed stated “Special Diet” since he has diabetes. The aide said the hospital food was no good and my dad could not eat it. I said the meals from the restaurant are not suitable to him, because they are high in salt, fat, and sugar. You could eat out but my dad needs to eat the hospital food. She said your dad tried but could not eat it, the rice was too dry and the noodles mush and they were tasteless. I said he needed the special diet. Did you ask what were his options? She said you could go ask the doctor. I went to the nurses station since it was right outside of the door. The nurse said all of the food was designed for senior patients. All our patients are seniors, but for your dad’s special diet, you should go ask his doctor. The nurse said, “by the way, where was your dad’s aide trained?" I said, “I assumed at your hospital since my father took her home from here. I went to the doctors office; there were about two dozen persons at their desks and computers, all facing the wall, with a large table in the middle so they just needed to turn around to have a meeting. My father has two assigned doctors, but all the doctors plus invited specialists sat around the table regularly discuss my father’s situation. Since there are new lab and the whole body CT scan results, they’re going to have another meeting next week to discuss what is best for my father.  Each time, the best is still do nothing.

     I walked into the office, a half dozen doctors were there and I didn’t know who was my father’s doctor. I said Hello, please tell me who is Wen-jian Han’s doctor? One of the young female doctors turned around and said she was one of them. I asked if I could talk to her, she said sure. I said my dad needed a special diet, could you tell me what it is? She said the nutritionist should have told my dad and his aide. I said, “ the aide has been feeding my father take-out food. She said that is not good to have daily, maybe once in awhile. He needs low salt, sugar, and fat, but needs high quality protein, vegetables and fruits. I said, “I know but they didn’t listen to me, can you write it down so I could go show them?" The doctor said she and the nurses did feel resistance from my father and the aide. Not sure why? She wrote it down and I took it to my dad and the aide. The aide said the dinner would come soon, why don’t you go see how special the food is and see if you could eat it. I waited outside of the meal room until all the orders had been picked up. Two didn’t show up so she delivered the food. Then I got a chance to talk to her, she said there’s a meal plan for my father but we decided not to order. The special meal was for diabetes patients. I said that I would ask my father to try the food. Do you have any extra meal I could buy? She said she always brought a few extras just in case. She and I went to my father’s room, I asked my father to try the rice to see if it was too dry and he said it was good. I asked him to try the special food tomorrow and he agreed. 

     The next day was raining, I went to Carrefour to buy a small food processor just in case my father could not chew the vegetables. Then I went back to the hospital to check how was the special food. My dad was happy and the doctor said she added two more vegetables after reviewing his case. Then the aide walked in and said the food was not impressive, she showed me some leftover vegetables. I said it looks good and healthy. She didn’t say anything. I also made some salmon chives, mushrooms, and tofu-stuffed pancakes for my dad, but he said to save them for the aide since she loves them. I said that I brought four to share with her as well.  My pancakes were spoiled and the maid returned them to me to throw away.  To make sure he continued his special food and repeat two more times because the aide repeated two times the special food was not good. My dad could not eat outside take-out food.  My father was upset and asking me if he needed to give me a medal award since I kept talking about the special meal. He tried a week and stopped. He told me he was not going to live that long, why bother, eat whatever he wanted to eat.  I gave it up too.

     The aide didn’t have any training to care for the patient, plus we all had trouble to understand her dialect; only my father could understand her. My brother said she went grocery shopping and refused to give my brother a receipt. Her cooking was high in salt and fat, she just could not change so my brother took over shopping and cooking for my parents. The aide just keeps my dad company, she wheels him out at 9 AM, and back at 11:30 for lunch. After lunch, she and my father went to the master bedroom to take a nap until 2:30. She wheels him out again if it is sunny. Every time, I called my dad, he said how much he was relying on his aide and how tired she was, sometimes she would sleep all day due to headaches. Her teeth hurt, my father paid her to go to a dentist, and paid her to see a doctor if she was sick. Her 80-year old mom is sick, my father gave her 1000 yuan to mail back home. She could also get prescription drugs in my father's company hospital, my brother said sometimes over 6000/month, all covered under my dad's insurance. Funny my mom could not since she has her own policy and her policy was not as good as my father.

     I kept reminding my dad that his favorite son is working night shifts and caring for them at the same time, I cannot say he was doing the aide’s job which would make my father angry. I just said he is older than his aide and he still smokes from his stress. He needs to care his son! 

     My sister came back a week earlier than me, I could not believe that my father asked her to clean the master bedroom’s bathroom since only the aide was using it. My father was using a potty. My sister didn’t complain and went to clean her bathroom and the other bathroom, and the kitchen, before my dad was admitted to the hospital. 

     I asked the physical therapist to see my father since he refused before. He was not friendly in the beginning, but the therapist was very patient. She explained why and how he lost his muscles and strength to the point he could not even get out of bed. She showed him how to exercise on his own with the aide's help, how to doing things on his own turn, since one of his back disks moved. She explained why he could not have the aide give him a massage. He needed to try to move around on his own, not lay in bed, or sit on the wheelchair all the time. She helped him left his legs and asked his aide how to help my father correctly since his aide had no training. 

     My sister and I tried to let the aide go, and find a trained one for my father, my brother did not think my father would let go and he was right. When I came back from the doctor's office, I saw my sister was kneeling at the end of my father's bed saying sorry to my father, my father said her sorry was not sincere.  The aide was facing the window crying, away from my sister, standing in front of my sister, next to my father's bed.  I asked my sister to get up, in my mind really wanted to drag the aide down to kneel in front of my dad. I said to my father, “you forgot your favorite baby girl (么妹)?  She just wanted to talk to you alone and get your attention.” My father said, “She and all of you tried to kick out my aide. You have no right.” I said, “dad you misunderstood, since the aide was so tired and could not sleep well, we wanted to help her and find another one to help her and give her a break. She has been with you 24/7 and she has her own husband, children, grandchildren, and a great grandchild to see.  Later on in my father's better mood, he said I should not go directly talking to his aide offering another aide. He said, "She was lying about getting up 7 or 8 times a night,  she was complaining how tired she was just hoping you could give her a "red envelope" with some American dollars."  I said, " I will not give her a penny, she is lucky that she is still here." My father said I am too Americanized and did not know how everything works in China.  Everyone around him wants money. 

     When the nurse came in to take his blood pressure, my father started to complain to the nurse. When the nurse asked his name, he showed her the name tag on his wrist. The nurse insisted that he answer the question but he refused. They are lazy and tried to have his aide do their job... I ended up following the nurse out apologizing and brought some chocolate to the nurses station the next day.

     My father expressed anger to me since I came home the least. He said, “ I praise you for bringing up 3 excellent sons including one resident doctor, one medical student, and one pharmacy student, but I am sorry that I cannot live long enough to see them again. Since you are here for only a very short visit, I imagine that you have to go to visit your uncles and aunt, so you would be hardly spending any time with me. I said, “ Dad, I am sorry that I can’t quit my job like my sister did and I can’t afford it. This trip, I am not going to Zigong to see my uncles and aunt, and I plan to visit you every day for my three weeks here. Then he said, “you should go to see your uncles and aunt and give them some money, we owe them too."  The truth was my grandmother, aunts, and uncles cared for me until I was almost 10 years old, and I did not have to do anything, not even know how to bread my long hair, which my grandma was doing it every morning before I went to school.  I went back to my parents and had to learn helping them watch my younger brother and sister, doing most house chores. I cried a lot and I wanted to go back to my grandma.  My grandma missed me as well and finally came to live with us and I did my best caring for her, she died a month before my College National Entry Exams.  I was with my parents less than 7 years before I went to college.  I finally understood my parents when I entered the work force, still swear to myself that I will care for my own kids. I do not have much emotional attachment to my parents like my sister who stayed with my parents until she was 26 years old when she got married. 

     The next day, I went to the hospital by myself, my dad, and the aide were complaining about my brother and my sister, how bad they took care of my mom. My mom lacked protein because they didn’t feed her meat. They both cooked terrible food. Only his aide could care for my mom the best!  My dad was trying to persuade me to keep his aide for my mom after him.  I did not object but also looked around myself. I found one in the hospital who came from my mom's hometown Neijing. I also introduced him to my brother. He said his younger sister would be the best choice for my mom.

     When I was visiting my dad in the hospital, my dad wanted to give his aide a break and have me to taste what his aide was doing.  He never asked once if I slept at night since the time difference between China and America. I could not sleep at night since it was daytime in America, it was my sleep time everyday when I visited him.  When the lunch was ready, my dad wanted me to help him move from the bed to the wheelchair, I was a little nervous so I asked the aide to help me. Especially in the bathroom, I don’t want to drop him.  I have to remind my dad that I was close to 60 years old, I had never done any of the aide's work before just like him. He never cared anyone in his life.  He said he just wanted me to feel what his aide was doing, respect her!

     My dad wanted me to share the food with them, he said he could not finish his meal anyway. The aide was feeding my dad; my dad wanted me to feed him so the aide could eat. The aide was trying to stop my dad but my dad insisted.  The doctor told me my father can eat on his own when she saw me feeding him.  I told her it was OK, he missed me.  After the lunch, my dad wanted the aide to take a nap, and asked me to wheel him out for a walk and he was nice to me. He showed me the hallway where "dead  people wheel down from here."  Since he talked about death, I asked him if he was really sure not to keep his ashes.  My mom already bought their place in Wenshu Yuan Monastery (文殊院) to store their ashes.  He said "your mom wanted to stay there."  I asked him if he wanted to join our family in the future since we have not buy our plots yet.  He said it would be too expensive for me, I said it would not be expensive to ship ashes.  My mom and my brother could join us too in the future, do not worry about money, you have 3 grandsons and they will have money to pay back your care to them in America. After talking to my dad, he did not say anything about his hometown where his parents and sister are buried; he did not want to go back, not even his ashes.  It really made me think that my father was really fighting for his own battles, all he believed was his aide cared for him. I later apologized to the aide and told her experience was better than trained certification.  She then told me another lie, she had helped over 20 patients, she told my bother 8. There is no way to check but we knew at least one patient for sure.

     I left before dinner, I took the new subway back home as I came in the morning, it came every 2 minutes for less than $1. My brother said my dad’s nose was bleeding again, he was going to deliver the special self-absorbent cotton pads. The doctor was waiting for these special cotton pads. It required storage in the cooler. Cost over 500 yuan a piece and my dad’s insurance does not cover them. I said that I would go with him so he could drop me off and I could deliver it faster while he parks his car in the underground parking garage. It is an hour each way. 

     When I got there, I could see the aide was helping my dad, no doctor or nurse, the doctor waited for a half hour and left. I went to the doctor’s office, one of the doctors called and told me to go back to my dad. I came back and started to hold my dad’s nose to stop the bleeding and the bleeding slowed down a lot. The doctor finally came and forced the special cotton into his nose and made his nose bigger. My brother and I went back late and my sister and my mom waited for us for dinner. I went to bed right after. 

     The next morning I went back to the hospital, my dad said his nose was bleeding again but he and his aide managed. He coughed up a big black piece. The aide was poking it and it was really hard. I said, “did you save it for the doctor?.” No, they didn’t think the doctor was interested. My dad was dizzy in the morning, I noticed his little package of pills from last night still sitting there, the aide said my father refused to take them. But she already gave my father pills from home for dizziness. I was upset since she said that she knew my dad better than the doctor. Also, I don’t think she measured how my father’s water intake and urine output; she reported to the nurse the same numbers every day. The nurse just comes in to scan my dad’s code on time, put the old-fashioned thermometer under my dad’s arm, often doesn’t come back for an hour until he forgot and lost the thermometer and ended up looking all over for it. Sometimes even the blood pressure was checked by the aide. The scale is outside in the hallway, the nurse came in asking what is his weight.  My father could not stand up on the scale so he could not weigh himself.  To get my father's weight, the aide had to push my dad's wheelchair upstairs by elevator, there was a weight station there, put the wheelchair and my father on it, then minus the wheelchair weight.  The aide did not want to do it often so she was given the same number to the nurse.  The cleaner was cutting corners and I had to chase him down to ask him to come back to finish his job. No wonder my dad is complaining!

     My dad told me that his next door neighbor Muslim Ma passed away, his wife sold their home and moved away. He missed them, both good times and bad times, they worked together all their life. He was always above my dad, since he was a communist party secretary, this position is always higher than directors.  He made sure my dad never passed him except he died first.

     When my dad just finished college working under him in the field, my dad often introduced him to the local agencies. They respect the leader, after initial handshake, the leader was left alone. My father was very popular and blended in anywhere he goes. Life was hard back then, not much meat to eat, once a month was lucky in the field. As a Muslim, he and his family received special coupons for beef and lamb, so they ate more meat in general so they got more from the government. His wife was Han so she got pork coupons too.  We as majority Han didn’t get any beef or lamb.  The pork coupons we received were fewer.  In the field, there were not many places to have beef or lamb. The cow is the farmer's family member. Most Han does not like lamb, which means he would not have any meat at all. It could be months at a time doing fieldwork. So my dad was thinking to do him a favor. He told the kitchen staff to hide the pork and vegetables under his rice, topped with more vegetables. Ma ate all of his meal, my dad was very happy to see that he ate the whole thing and asked him if everything was good. He said very good. Then my father said, “let me wash your dishes.” Ma said “no no, I wash my own dishes. I don’t want the locals thinking I am abusing my power.” My father smiled and thought about the real reason. The pork dish was very greasy, while a vegetable dish is not. He didn’t want anyone to see he ate pork. He didn’t know my father was the one who arranged the whole thing. My dad didn’t stop there, he switched the beef and pork on the cutting boards for one of the holiday meals. That put him in very very hot water! Ma was so upset, my father watched him clean the cutting board over and over again with boiling water. Even today, my father didn’t think it was a big deal. The way he washed the board showed his disrespect for the pork eaters. He felt offended. Ma gave my father trouble ever since as if my father never grew up, always a naughty boy. Since they were our neighbors, my father asked his children if they ate pork. His children said yes, of course, we eat pork.  
     Two weeks went by very fast, we were still waiting for my father's options.  The ear, nose, and throat department finally were going to discuss my father's case, I confirmed with my father's doctor that I would join them and I had to be there around 7:30 AM the next day.  I took a taxi there since the subway does not start till 6 AM and I needed 1 hour to get there.  When my father's doctor took me to the ear, nose, and throat department at 8 AM, I was told to wait outside with other family members in the hallway. No chairs were out there for a hour.  I did not see anyone except my father's doctor who came out, she said "we will have to wait for the anesthesiologist to see if it is safe to do the surgery."  Later on that day, a young anesthesiologist came to ask some questions to my father and left.  The next day, the same results came out just like August before the biopsy was done, high risk, let the patient and his family decide.  Back in August, my father was stronger, the cancer was too small to see, now the cancer grew out of his nose.  Of course, we decided not to go through the surgery and signed a paper.
     We were hoping the Oncology could step in earlier, but it had to be after we rejected the surgery first. My brother went ahead and spent over 300 yuan to book a first-class Oncologist in the International section of the hospital to see my father on December 3.  Since the doctor did not want to see my father in person, we did not wheel my father there, just brought the biopsy result and CT scan films to see him. When we went inside, the old Oncologist had two younger assistants with him, he looked at the film and said we needed two more tests, BRAF V600E and C-KIT Exon 17, about 2 minutes.  Results will come in two weeks.
     The next day, my father's doctor told us that the Oncologists would discuss my father's case the next morning and get my father ready at 7:30 AM.  I asked again to make sure they were going to see my father, she said she also asked the same question and they told her yes.  My brother drove me there the next day and the aide already put my father on a wheelchair ready to go, from 14th floor, down to the 6th floor. It was breakfast time there, so the hallway was crowded with people passing by to get their food. Again, we waited outside for a hour. When our doctor came out, she said we needed to do a PET scan.  The next day, I went to the hospital, my father's doctor ordered three more tests BRAF V600K, CKIT 9,11 and NRAS.  The results came back that there were no mutations so the target treatment was not suitable for my dad.  We also rejected the radiation for melanoma due to the risks.
     I came back to the USA already before my dad found a suitable treatment. Immunotherapy was considered last and my dad went through more tests, but he got another lung infection, so everything stopped after that. The doctors recommended palliative care since my dad was too weak and he did not have much time left.
     My sister cancelled her return ticket and she decided to stay there to keep my dad company.  She and my brother also were looking for an aide for my mom. The interviews were set up after the Chinese New Year, but the Coronavirus stopped the whole thing, Wuhan locked down first, the whole country locked down as well. Stay home unless you have to go out.
     My father was not doing well, his blood pressure was dropping, so his high blood pressure drug stopped. His nose was still bleeding regularly so he was having anemia. His vital signs were not good. He also started to experience pain, he closed his eyes since they were hurting, he could not eat solid food anymore. He slept most at daytime, not at night. he was calling my mom. The doctor agreed that my sister could also stay by my father's bedside along with the aide at night, so she did not have to come and go daily in fear of bringing Coronavius inside of the inpatient hospital. 
     My brother was able to bring my mom over to see my dad on the day before my dad died, my mom was not able to understand what was going on, my dad's eyes moved a little bit. The next morning around 4 AM, my dad stopped breathing. It was March 1st there, still 4 PM Feb 29th here, when my brother called me. I was able to video chat with him while he was cleaning my dad's room since my dad had been there since last November and accumulated a lot in the closet.
     My sister already took my dad away to a private memorial place, she did not want anyone to touch my father, not even change his clothes. She said it has to be after 36 hours. She wanted to stay with my father and pray for 3 days and 3 nights, helping my father get to Heaven.  Since the Coronavirus shut down, no gathering was allowed so she could not invite Buddhists over.  My brother tried to ask her to go home with him but failed. I was very concerned since the place locked down at 9 PM, no one would be there, not even a security guard.   There are other bodies in the other rooms next to my father's room. She turned off her phone as well.

     

     It was more surreal to me that my father was gone since I was not there. I dreamed about him before he died -- he was in bed holding a baby and playing with the baby happily.  My mom threw a blue towel over to my sister.  I was not interacting with them, only like a bystander watching over them.  I was very emotional at noon on my walk, I was alone walking, I looked up at the sky and I felt for my dad, I really felt him above me.  I started to cry while I was walking.  I did not dream about my dad, but dreamed that I went back to the old apartment building when I was still in high school.  I saw my mom was cleaning and organizing. I went over and saw they actually kept some of my things, which was shocking to me.  Then I drove my mom because my mom wanted to give away my dad's clothes, I did not know the people, but saw two more nice pants so I walked out of the car and added them to the pile. I then dreamed that I was climbing a hill, on the top, it was flat and a lot of kids were playing soccer, or just fooling around.  I walked around waiting for my sons, I also noticed some pretty mushrooms on the cliff.  I started to worry about my sons so I walked back looking downhill, I saw a group of kids fooling around while climbing, one girl fell off backward.  I was trying to call my son, but I forgot my cell phone at home, so I was able to borrow one from another mom, but I did not remember my son's number.  I had to give up -- all a dream.
     I was considering booking a flight back to visit, but no flights were available until the end of March.  It will also depend on how the Coronvirus spreads in the US.  My father was cremated the 3rd day and he wanted his ashes scattered. My brother was suggesting to keep part but scatter some of the ashes. My sister wants to keep him and my mom together in the Wenshu Monastery.  My mom's younger sister's husband's ashes are already there. They bought the places a long time ago. But only keep the ashes for 70 years like the rest of the properties in China and expires in 70 years.  My brother stored my dad's ashes next to the crematory right now before we make any decision.

Wenshu Monastery (文殊院) - Chengdu, Sichuan, China.

     My brother said he would let the aide stay to take care of my mom, she agreed to a pay cut to one-half since my mom could still walk and eat by herself.  She could also help with some simple tasks such as cleaning vegetables, remove peas from peapods.  My mom is going to be 89 this March and she is like a little kid again. Although my mom did not like her, tried her best to kick her out, she was not a stranger to her or us. We do not know how she was going to react to a new stranger. Not to mention it was my dad's dying wish that we keep her for my mom. My dad wanted us to keep her employed. My brother did install surveillance cameras just in case.

     I went back to my blog to read My Father's Roots.  I enjoyed listening to the songs my father use to sing, sadly I have never stepped into my father's hometown Yahozhou (耀县) or his birth place Shanyang (山阳县).  Not sure when since I only have 3 weeks vacation and I need to spend the time with my mom, my 93 year old uncle and 91 year aunt.  They do not have much time left.  I am also grateful to my husband's understanding my situation that I could not be with him or his aging parents. Fortunately, my oldest son Jonathan chose to stay close to his grandparents for his 3-year residency after he finished his medical school.  He could go visit them on the weekends and holidays.