Sophomore, My Classmates Drowned

The second fall semester started. I went back to college with a lot of supplies. My mom made me new clothes and a lot of goodies. She gave me some money and kept asking me whether it was enough. Several times, I assured her that it was. It was the first time in my life that I actually started to miss her.
     I did all the re-entry procedures for college. We had a feast in our dorm room because everyone brought local goodies from their homes. After we were full, we started to show each other new clothes from home. I took mine out too since my mom made them—two shirts and a new sweater. I knew my mom was not good at making clothes, but I watched her trying very hard to make them at night after work.  She took it apart, re-did it; she would even talk to herself.  She really tried her best.  My sister and my brother refused to wear her clothes.  For me, just her effort to make them for me was a great comfort to me.  I did not care how perfect they were; I used to wear clothes that were too short and with holes, so at least there were no holes.
     The older sister Liu (刘) in our dorm laughed at me. “Your mom made those for you? I don’t believe that you could put those on. Look at them.” She pointed out all the imperfections of my mom’s clothes. I told her that my mother never learned how to make anything.  
     She insisted to take apart the sweater and re-knit it herself and she did it in a week in her spare time. And she even made me a pair of pants on our teacher’s sewing machine. I had to say these were much better this time. My roommates liked me to try on their new clothes so they could see how they looked on me. They always made comments like, “Oh, Ying you look gorgeous in those clothes. They look like they were made just for you.” For me, my mother’s clothes were good enough for me and I never told her that my classmates laughed at her work. Later on, I learned knitting from sister Liu.  Liu was from the farm family; she was over 30 when she came to college.  There was another older sister in our class; her name was Ho (何), and was from Neijiang where my mother’s family first arrived back in 1724. 
     The two older sisters were very different.  Sister Liu was very laid back, did not care about politics at all, and more of a motherly type.  Ho was a party member and on class duty, worked in a factory as a manager before she came to college, so she could be bossy sometimes. Once she asked me do something for her.  I did not want to, so I told her “no” in front of all our roommates. Other girls in our room thought I was stubborn since it was such a little thing.  I could do it for her just by lifting one of my fingers.  I told them I did not feel like doing it for her at that moment.  She just had to get used to it.  We had our moments every now and then with all 7 girls sharing one room.  Most of the time, we enjoying each other’s company.  We were like sisters.  We were good friends for life.
     Around nine o’clock that night, one boy from our class came to our dorm room and told us one of his roommates Di-ping was missing and that they were still looking for him downstream by flashlight. First we did not believe him because he was a joker in class. One of the girls had seen Di-ping in the afternoon when he just arrived. He had taken an 18-hour train ride to Chengdu, then a 4-hour bus ride to the college. He was one of the best students who would never disobey the rule “No swimming in the river.”  Plus, it was not even hot anymore and the school swimming pool had closed.
     A year before, a female student from another department had excellent grades in almost every subject except she didn’t know how to swim and wanted to learn. So she went with a few friends to a very small creek near the college. There she drowned with only few inches of water above her. The school made it very clear from then on “No swimming in the river.”
     Di-ping grew up near the Yangtze River Yangtze River, one of the two largest rivers in China and was a good swimmer. He and two other students had decided to go swimming in the Feng (青衣江) River. They all knew the river was very deep and that the water was very cold because it came from the snow-covered mountains in the west. He was very tired from traveling. He got caught in the current and drowned by the bridge. Local people said that anyone who went down by that bridge would not even surface for miles.
     The next morning, our classmates divided into groups and walked along the riverbank for several miles hoping to find him alive somewhere on the shore but we couldn’t find him. We tried the next day and no one could find his body. A few days later, about 15 kilometers down the river; a fisherman found his body while fishing.
     It was a tragedy for our class, especially for the two other boys who had gone along with him. They woke up at night and called out his name. It was even more tragic for the boy’s family since they were hoping for the best from him; his older brother was handicapped. His mother said that he had told them about the girl who drowned the previous year so no one could even imagine that he would be the one who would drown.
     His mother did have a nightmare the night before she received the telegram from our college. She dreamed that her family cow (usually considered very important to a farm family) was trying to jump off the cliff and she tried so hard to pull it back. The cow did jump off the cliff and she couldn’t see anything but darkness. She told her husband about the dream the next morning and prayed that nothing would happen to them but around noon they received the bad news.
     Other students who shared the same dorm room with him said somehow, or for some reason at the time of his death, his shirt on a chair accidentally caught fire by a cigarette butt though this never happened before or after. And no one even knew that he was in trouble. His father said that he needed his clothes because his body was unclad when the fisherman found him.
     When we went to say our final goodbye to him before the cremation, some of our classmates said that they saw some bleeding from his body when his parents were there crying out loud. They believed it was his way of saying sorry to his parents. Our college paid all the expenses and gave his family 500 Yuan as a small compensation for their loss, about one year’s salary if their son got a job after graduation. His parents were grateful for the school’s offer and thanked the school again after they returned home. That was contrary to the girl’s family whose daughter had drowned the year before. Her parents complained that the school put too much pressure on their daughter to be perfect. If she didn’t feel pressured into swimming, she would still be alive.

Felt for My Mother - Mrs. Li (李), a Manchu Across the Hall

Our neighbor across the hall, Mrs. Li (李) had a husband who was a Manchu and had changed his surname to Li. He was a long-time director for the oil institute.  Like my parents, he also graduated from Northwest University in Xi'an. One evening after dinner, his wife came to talk to my mom. She was crying to my mom and asked my mom’s advice. She had one daughter, the only child she had when she was 38 years old. She thought she couldn’t have children. This child was a joy for her and her husband. Unfortunately, they did not have any relatives around who could look after their daughter. So, they found a middle-aged woman who could not have children to look after their daughter to ensure undivided attention for their daughter. Eight years passed and now, she wanted her daughter back.
     Mrs. Li (李) finally did not have to go out for business anymore, while her daughter had started second grade already in her nanny’s neighborhood school. Now, Mrs. Li was trying to take her home and register her in the grammar school of the Oil Company. She had been trying so hard to make the transition but failed. Every time her nanny brought her home, her daughter was like a guest. She was well behaved. She looked at all the things her mom prepared for her. “That’s nice, mom,” her daughter said. Then she turned to her nanny and said, “Nanny, can we go home now!” Mrs. Li was crying so hard that she could not finish her sentence. She did not know what to do.
     My mom knew exactly she felt. She started crying also. They talked and talked; finally, Mrs. Li got up from her chair and said, “Do not expect your child to connect with you if you didn’t raise her.” I felt so sorry to my mother for all the troubles I used to give to her because I wanted go back to my grandma’s. When my grandma came to live with us, I still gave her trouble and my grandmother made her cry a few times because of me. I did not say anything, but in my mind, I started to compose a letter to my mom after I went back to college. I did send her a letter apologizing for all the trouble I had caused her, but I did not get any reply from her. She never mentioned the letter or the matter as if the letter was lost in space. I swore to myself that I would take care of my own children.
     My mom seemed changed after I went to college. I thought she was going to complain more since my other friends told me that menopause could really turn a good mother into a fussy one. My mom, on the other hand, became so quiet and she seemed to understand me much more even without words. She started to ask my opinion and respected me. I started to tell her more and more of my stories from college. We became friends. On the other hand, my father seemed to have more strong opinions of his own against mine.

First Summer Vacation

I looked forward to taking the bus home for summer vacation. I bought a lot of local specials to impress everyone at home. The fruits were in season from our college orchard. I went to help harvest them. While there, you could eat as much as you could and then carry a bag home when you were done. Some ate too much though and ended up running to the bathrooms at night which were not even inside of our dorm, but located in a separate building between the dorms. We girls were always afraid of the bathrooms at night; there were scary stories of crimes, and some had nightmares about the bathrooms. Besides the fruits from our college orchard, sometimes our friends in the tea department gave us some freshly made tea; I took these home to my parents since I didn’t drink tea.
   After I got home, my neighbor told me how much my parents missed me even though they never mentioned anything to me themselves. They could not eat their dinner until 8 PM because my brother did not start dinner when he came home from school. My parents had to do everything after they came home. I felt very good after hearing that. Now I could cook for everyone for the summer so dinner was ready when my parents came home. I contacted some of my friends who did not go to college but worked instead. We were shocked that we had grown so far apart. We didn’t have much in common to talk about. Very soon, I got bored and I started to look forward to going back to college.
     One day, my mom came home with this live gray rabbit at noon. “I cannot find anyone to kill and skin the rabbit today; Ying, you could try to do it this afternoon. Maybe we could have rabbit for dinner,” my mom said to me. “Mom, I don’t know how to kill a rabbit.” I was shocked. “Well, I assume you could do it since you are good at killing chickens and the price was so low, I just could not pass it up,” my mom replied. We had lunch and no one mentioned the rabbit, like the rabbit was not there. Then my parents went back to work and I don’t remember where my brother or sister went. That only left me staring at the poor rabbit.
     Yes, I became very good at butchering chickens after I saw Dr. Liu’s bleeding chicken running around the courtyard. My uncle used to come all the way to our house to help us butcher and clean chickens. I was at the middle school then. I watched and he explained to me. First I helped hold one of the chicken’s feet in the air; soon the struggle started. It was natural for me to let it go once I saw it bleeding. “No, no,” my uncle said, “You can’t let it go until all the blood came out. It only takes a second or two if you get the main vein and breathing tube.” Soon I could do it precisely and cleanly. My uncle was proud of me and my neighbors were impressed. I don’t even remember if my parents were ever around. After that, butchering the chicken became my job.
    It was much different to kill a chicken or a duck than this rabbit. My mom had always brought home either a cooked one or a skinned one. Now what was I going to do? I looked at the rabbit again. He already made a big mess and it really smelled. I really had to do something. I looked at the clock and it was 2 PM already. Finally, I filled us a sink full of water and drowned the poor rabbit. Now, the rabbit was soaking wet. How was I going to take off the skin. I tried but the fur was clumped and in the way. So I boiled a pot of hot water and soak the rabbit in it for few minutes like I did with chicken. Yes, the fur came right off. However, the skin was still there; it looked white and smooth. Maybe I didn’t have to skin it. I started to open the stomach. Oh, the smell was so strong and I felt nauseous. What a big pouch of poop! I took it out as soon as possible. Gee, this thing really did not have much except the big tummy. Then I started to cut the rabbit into little pieces. The skin was in the way. I realized that I had to take the skin off. I cut a little bit and skinned it a little bit. Finally, I was able to cook it.
     When my mom came home after work, she looked at the cooked rabbit and smiled. She did not ask me anything and I did not say anything either. I was quiet all night and I did not even taste the rabbit. My mom got the message. She did not bring any more livestock home. I did not feel like killing anything either.

Freshman in College

My college was located in Ya'an (雅安), used to be the capital of Xikong (西康省) also called “Rain City,” a small city southwest of my city, about four hours away by bus. It was located in a small basin with mountains all around, the hometown of the Giant Panda and the cradle of Tea Culture of the world. There were two major rivers in the city, well known in Chinese 川西咽喉, 西藏门户, 民族走廊. It is a cultural center for the two main routes, one running west to Tibet and another running north–south from Chengdu to the southwest. Previously known as Yazhou-fu, the city was first mentioned during the Zhou Dynasty (1122-255 BC), established under the Qin (221–206 BC) and Han dynasties. It was later taken over by the Mongols, retaken by the Chinese in the late fifth century; it became Ya Prefecture in 604 and received its modern name Ya’an. Sichuan University of Agriculture

The Gaoyi Que, a stone-carved pillar-gate (que, 闕), 6 m (20 ft) in height, located at the tomb of Gao Yi in Ya'an, Sichuan, from the Eastern Han (25-220 AD).

     Buses were the only mode of public transportation. Unlike Chengdu, our college was the only one there. There used to be a college of Sichuan University in Chengdu. When the Cultural Revolution started, the government thought that agriculture should go to a small town close to the farms rather than in a big city. However, Ya'an was a unique place with abnormal rain, clouds, and hills. It was not close to any major agricultural fields. The school’s move to Ya’an was more political than agricultural or scientific. One thing was clear. There were lots of famous university and college professors there from all over the country for whatever reason. Some said they were the right wing of the government. Not completely listed from later clearing their names, there were 85 “right wings” in our college. They were all isolated from the big city science communities that had easy information exchange. Still they made the best of what they have.  The College was the only one not in capital city yet made it to Project 211 today.
     A number of them had very sad life stories. For example, our entomology teacher worked in a very poor, remote farm for ten years before he came back to the college. He married a local farm girl there and had two kids. He looked like a farmer with dark, coarse skin. Although we thought he was an unfortunate person, he considered himself to be very lucky to be alive, have a family, and make it back to college again.
     Freshman year was a most difficult time for all of us, including me who wished for a long time to get out from under my parents’ roof.  We had 32 students in my class of 1978. The oldest was 32 years old, married with children and the youngest was 15.  I was about 17 years old. There were two groups that year in the forestry department. There were seven girls in my group and six girls in the other. The seven girls in our group lived in one room with bunk beds and two large library tables in the center of the room for studying. The six girls in the other group were next door, and the year 1977 students had three girls who lived across from us in a two-story wooden floor building.
     Most of us felt the hardest thing was being away from home even though we didn’t want to admit it, and adjusting ourselves to sharing a room with six to eight classmates. Worst of all, we were grouped ten together for the three meals. Whoever came late would get cold meals or not enough. This meal plan did change later. Surprisingly, everyone seemed to gain weight during the first year. I guess the biggest adjustment was that we as a whole had to follow the same schedule from 6 am. The big bell rang and everyone in the whole college got up and rushed to the field for morning gymnastics following music from a large speaker.



     Then some ran on the track. Some went back to their dorms. I returned back to the dorm right away since I did not want to get up in the first place. Breakfast was at 7 am. Classes started at 8 am. Lunch was at 12 noon. Classes or labs were held in the afternoon. Dinner was at 6 PM. We usually went for a walk after dinner, then came back to the classroom to study. I usually went back to my dorm at 10 PM because the school turned off all the power at 10:30 PM in the dorm. Others came back after 12 midnight but they had to be very quiet because most of us were asleep already. Every now and then, someone complained that someone made too much noise although it was understandable since everything was dark.
     Another thing was money. Some of my classmates always ended up broke before the end of the month. Usually, we received a wire transfer from our parents at the beginning of the month. We went to the bank to get the cash that our parents had sent to us. I usually did pretty well since I never had an allowance before. I only bought things that I really needed.
     There was a period of time when someone stole our clothes from the clothesline at night. We washed our laundry by hand and dried them on the clothesline. Some of my roommates forgot to take their clothes in before nightfall or completely forgot about them until they needed to wear them and then the clothes were gone. My mom’s training paid off because I always remembered to take my clothes in before dark. I heard that someone was caught once in another dorm and the students beat him up pretty bad.
     On Sunday, we usually went “downtown” or to the farmer’s market to get something to eat. We had fresh fruits, nuts, a little dinner, some snacks, or went to the movies or hiking in the nearby mountains. We usually went as a small group or even the entire class if we went for a hike. We took all the available opportunities to climb all around. We reached the peaks all around us on Sundays. There were two peaks that I remember well.
     A favorite place was Jinfeng Temple (Golden Phoenix Temple) and the tomb of a high-yee Que. Jinfeng Temple was built in early Tang Dynasty; reconstructed and expanded in the Ming and Qing Dynasties, when Han and Tibetan ethnic groups lived in harmony. The High Dy tomb was built in the Eastern Han (209AD). The tomb preserved the most complete Que’s finest treasures. There we saw a crematorium with a very high stone chimney. People used to think that they could reach the sky and join the gods or goddesses after life. Even though it was abandoned for a long time, we could still see remnants of bones that remained.
     The other one was State Forest Park. Duke Zhou Mountain (周公) was another favorite place for us to climb. Our college was at the foot of the hill. On the top, there are Duke of Zhou temple sites, Han Chi rainmakers, and the Ming and Qing Stone Temple. Only stones remained today.
    We said, “Good morning” every day when we got up to do our morning exercises facing Mt. Zhou Go. There was a famous river called “Zhou Go River.” In the river there was a fish that was very famous around the country, called “Ya Fish.” This type of fish lived in a dark cave in the river for a long time before it appeared in the open river. They had fewer predators this way and had evolved with fewer bones. The meat was so delicious that rumor had it that Chairman Mao and his wife used airplanes to transport this type of fish to Beijing.
    To climb to the top of this mountain, we had to pass several rope bridges on which boys liked to play tricks on the girls who were afraid of the bridges. I have to admit that in my heart it was scary. I was amazed at the local people who would ride a bicycle across the bridge while the bridge was swinging. I kept thinking “what if…” when I looked down and saw the rapidly running water.
     Since this mountain was close to the city, people with lots of crops occupied most of the mountain. Only the harsh upper part of the mountain was without trails. It was either dense with small bamboo or thorny rose bushes.
     We had more than enough berries to eat so that everyone’s mouths became black or purple. Going through the brush was so difficult that we had to crawl at ground level, up one after the other. The first person would open a hole, and the rest would crawl through. Finally, we reached the top. The top was so small so that the 15 of us had hardly enough space to stretch. One amazing thing was the stone structures that had been built up there and since fallen. The stones were cut into big 12-foot long blocks. I don’t know what the early people would want to build in this little space or how they carried these huge blocks of stone block up there. On the peak, there was only enough room for two dozen of us standing very close. We used to scream from our lungs after when climbed to the top, then took turns to sing as loud as we could as if we wanted the world to know that we were at the top. It was such a good feeling. On the foothill, there was Zhou River, part of the Ming River branch. It ran underground in the cave from where Ya-fish, a famous local fish, came. 

Movie Theater. Our favorite place to go, a Russian style building.

"There is a beautiful place"(有一个美丽的地方)from Chinese Tai in Yunan (my neighbor province). I was the director for the dance which was similiar to this video and won the college first prize. 

20150319 地理中国 探秘雨城

Giant Panda
Wood Supply to Forbidden City
Yao Ji (Jai Rong Tibetans, see how they make yarns)
Tea Horse Route

National College Entry Examination

Finally, I took the national entry exam. It was the most serious exam that I ever took. There was so much security around and it was not even in our own high school. We had to go to a different high school with different students. I tried my best even though I could not do my best.
     While we waited for the final scores, my mom was sick. She was too tired from managing the house, taking care of my grandmother and us, my grandmother’s funeral, and working full time. I took my mom on the back of the bicycle to her doctor’s appointments.
     When the scores came, mine was 310; the colleges accepted the minimum of 290. My best girlfriend Wei-lin had 320. We knew that we couldn’t get into a famous college or university; they needed a minimum of 350. There were 16 classes in our school. Ninety-nine percent of the super fast (Rocket) class passed the college admission line. Two percent of the regular fast class passed, but none from the other classes. We were in the top 1% of all high school graduates in China that year to attend college.
     The next step was to file a form stating which college and major we wanted, usually to list five colleges and for each college to choose two majors. Of course, the higher the score, the greater the possibility to go to your first choice. I had merely passed. I didn’t expect to go to a dream school. My parents had told me that they didn’t expect me to pass with so many things going on.
     After we sent in our choices, we waited for acceptances from the schools. We waited. The Geology College accepted my girlfriend in my city. I felt anxious. My mom asked me to take out all of the books that I had already packed in a box. She wanted me to study and review to prepare for next year’s national entry exam. I just couldn’t accept that I had to try again.
     I never felt that tired in all my life. I was exhausted. I told my mom that I didn’t want to try again. If I didn’t get accepted, then I would just go to work. I felt that maybe I wasn’t college material. But my mom said, “you really should take out your books and study now before any more time is wasted. I don’t want you to be regretful in the future and I don’t want you to blame me for not helping you. You always said that you wanted to go to college. It will be easier for you because you could be more concentrated next year.” Indeed, I did want to go to college and I wanted to go abroad like my uncle.
     Finally, I did take my books out of the boxes. I seriously considered preparing the study plan for the next year’s exams. The next day, I received an acceptance letter from the Sichuan University of Agriculture, Forestry Department. I had listed the college on the form, but I didn’t list this department. I just couldn’t imagine why, and how forestry could be an individual science department. But whatever, I was ready to go. Anything was better than staying home and trying again the following year.
     The next step was the physical exam from “head to toe.” That day, the hospital was filled with students. We were in lines at each department for check-ups. Everything went fine until I went to the X-ray lab. I noticed that I didn’t get a simple stamp like everyone else. The doctor wrote something down instead; he would not tell me anything. Just called “next.” I started to feel really awful. I didn’t know what was wrong with me and I might never go to college after all. When I finally went home, I cried very hard. I thought that this must be my fate. My mom asked me what was the matter. I hardly could explain. My mom just comforted me by saying “There shouldn’t be anything wrong. You don’t feel sick, no fever. You eat well...” My mom wanted to make sure so she took me to our neighbor doctor’s home that night and asked her to arrange another X-ray for me the next day in the hospital where she worked, the same one where my grandmother had been in and died. I went there the next day. The doctor checked almost everything and told me, “You are fine, just a tiny shadow on one side of your lung. It could be due to a number of reasons. It usually goes away easily. The college won’t treat you like a sick person.” Somehow, I felt better right away. I went home and waited for the college’s second notice stating the completion of the admission process.

The College Entrance Exam Part 1

The College Entrance Exam Part 2

The College Entrance Exam Part 3

The College Entrance Exam Part 4

The College Entrance Exam Part 5

The College Entrance Exam Part 6

 

 

 

 

My Grandma Passed Away

My grandmother was critically ill in the hospital. She shared a room with two other old ladies. We all thought that she would not make it and all our aunts and uncles came from far away to see her and told her the same lie that they “just happened to be in town.”
      My parents had tried so hard through their connections to get a special kind of medicine for my grandmother. At the same time, I just finished a comic book about how an ancient young scholar used a magic bag to scare all the ghosts who came to take him when it was time for him to die. He drove them away again and again by simply saying “magic bag, magic bag, collect all the ghosts and throw them far away.” He lived a few hundred years. When the ghosts came back again, he asked them if they wanted to go in the magic bag. They simply left. I did not have this magic bag and I had not been taught any beliefs. My grandmother was the closest thing I had and I did not want to let her die. It was so despairing; I closed my eyes and imagined that I had the magic bag and said the magic words in my mind by my grandmother’s bed and even far away. I drove the ghosts into the magic bag. I prayed for her to get better and it worked. She was better.
      The woman by the window in her room looked like she was in her 50’s, young and strong. She was alone and no one came to see her. I could tell that she was looking forward to see someone she knew since there were so many people surrounding my grandmother. I felt sorry for her and I tried my best to help her too. She was trying to get up to use the bathroom. I told her to use the bedpan and I would empty the pan for her while I took care of my grandmother’s. She was so grateful. She died only two days after she entered the hospital.
      The woman on the other side of my grandmother was there a long time before my grandmother arrived. Her children came to visit her a lot, especially the oldest son. He often lowered his head so that one of his ears was close to hear what she was trying to say. She was very weak and pale. We did not know who he was until my oldest uncle came to see my grandma from Zigong (自贡). He recognized him right away when he walked in. She happened to be the owner’s wife of the salt company where my oldest uncle used to work to support my grandma’s family back in Gongjin (贡井). He talked a few minutes with my uncle alone, said hi to all of us then left the room. His mother died the next day. Life had such a way to arrange for them to be together again. Two old ladies lay side by side, but they could not recognize each other or talk to each other any more. My uncle had never seen them after 1949, so this was a quick and sad goodbye. It was awful to let my grandmother watch the two ladies on each side of her be carried out. She felt fortunate that she was the one who walked out of that room while the other two died, especially the wife of the salt owner. Although I liked the good son who was taking good care of his mother, my grandmother give me the impression that the other family was not our friend, but we had shared history together.  
    As my studies became more intense, my grandmother’s health declined. I had learned to give her injections at home. We still shared a full bed together since she came to live with us. My desk was next to her bed. She still tried her best to help me study. She shooed my brother and my sister away when they bothered me; she peeled oranges and fed me while I studied next to her. She joked, saying that she might not be able to see me in College. I told her she would and I would make sure it happened, as if I had power to chase the ghosts away. She told me she was pleased to move into our house because of me. She was grateful for all the special care I gave to her. She said she could die happy any day. I covered her mouth with my hand and said, “stop talking like that.”
     She was admitted into the hospital again. This time she had a room for herself and was not in critical care. My father was on a long assignment (for six months) in Beijing. I took turns with my mom to go to the hospital and care for my grandmother. At the same time, we had a month before the national entry exam. Our three fast classes out of sixteen senior classes were not concentrated enough. The school again chose all the highest possible students in all subjects to form a super fast class or (“Rocket” class). Again my grades allowed me to join this super fast class. Since I had to go to the hospital regularly to help my grandmother, I was one of the few students who rode a bicycle to school to save time. I also rode from the school to the hospital to visit my grandmother.
    One morning while I was in English class, reading Hans Christian Andersen's "The Little Match Girl", a colleague of my mom’s showed up at the door of our classroom. The teacher asked me to go out of the classroom to see this person. My mom’s colleague told me that my grandmother had died that morning. My mom tried to leave a message for the school by phone. When I didn’t show up at the hospital, my mom’s colleague came in person to inform me. I felt my head exploding. I was ready to rush to the hospital with my bicycle. My mom’s colleague said she would take me instead because my mom did not want me to ride my own bike. My grandmother’s face was covered with a white cloth. I couldn’t believe that she could just die since unlike the last time, she was not even critically ill. She was better the day before. We were talking about her going home. So, I removed the cloth covering her face, hoping that she was still alive. She was motionless. Then I started to cry and asked my mom what happened. She explained that my grandmother had bad complications. Finally, my mom held her up. My mother wanted me to comb her hair like I usually did at home, before the nurse came to take her away from the room.
     I took a week off from school to help my mom make arrangements. We sent telegrams to all of the relatives to come. Unfortunately, my father was also in the hospital in Beijing and couldn’t come. I don’t remember why, but I had the most arguments with my mother and my uncle/aunts that week. I complained about everything they did. They did not do the best for my grandmother, as if I was my grandma’s rightful daughter instead of them. Suddenly, I felt so alone because my mom and all my aunts/uncles ganged up against me, even my youngest aunt. She had always been on my side.
     Finally, my grandmother was cremated. I will never forget seeing them push my grandmother into the fire. My grandmother told me a long time ago that she didn’t want to be cremated. My grandfather had his coffin made when he was young. I was never able to go to the porch because I was afraid of the coffin there. My grandfather wanted to save his coffin for my grandmother. He said my grandmother was afraid of fire; he did not have anything else to give her. My grandmother kept a lot of jewels, china, and silk in one of her chests hoping to carry them with her in the coffin. In her later years, especially after she moved in with us in big city, she realized that it was impossible to be buried. There just weren’t any plots available. She told me that she was scared but since my grandfather was cremated, she would follow him, hoping he could guide her.
     The night after her cremation, I had a dream that I still remember clearly today. It took place in the crematorium. I was inside the dark crematorium, where bodies were lined up for cremation. I found my grandmother; first she was just lying there like everyone else. Then she opened her eyes and said, “where am I?” At the same time, we heard her name called from a loud speaker that it was her turn. Two uniformed men came to us; they were carrying her away. I was screaming, “no, no, my grandmother is still alive. No.” Later on during my college years, I still dreamed about her. She was alive with us in regular life.
     After that week, I went back to school and found out why I didn’t get my mom’s phone message. We had another “Han Ying” in our grade, the other and only Han in a different class had to share the same name with me. She had a grandmother at home. Instead of me, she was informed that her grandmother had died. She ran home to see her grandmother cooking in their kitchen. She was really angry with the school. The school finally realized that they had told the wrong person with the same name.
    I thought I was crazy. I often brought stuff into her bedroom or called for her forgetting that she was gone; I would freeze there for a few minutes with tears in my eyes. My mom did not stop me from whatever I was doing, she knew I loved my grandmother. My mind was not working at all when I returned to school. I dreamed that I was at the national entry exam one night and my grandmother died the next night. For the rest of my studies, I was very passive, I felt that I was a cow with a rope hanging through my nose being pulled by my teachers. Sometimes, I felt stupid. I was often late for class, sometimes late for exams because I had overslept. I was shocked that I could sleep until 9 am without hearing the loud alarm clock that I set the night before. We didn’t get home until late each night, sometimes at 11 PM. My teacher usually walked Wei-lin, Renwei, and me home for safety since we lived nearby, yet outside of the old city gate. There is river enclosed the old city (no longer walls) and a bridge with a gate in four directions. We lived on the east side after passing the bridge where most industrial complexes were. We three girls are now working in US and we are our teacher’s greatest pride, sadly none of us married to Chinese men. Even now, I am still grateful for what the teachers did every step of the way. I really understood why people called the teachers the “engineers of our mind.” They did not get any extra pay for their extra work and just wanted us to do our best. They measured their jobs on how successful their students became, not by how many years they worked. Without them, there were no possibilities for me to come that far.

Photo that we took in memory of my grandma who died in 1978. Me in the back with my older cousin in the middle, and my brother on the other side.  My sister in front of me, and other cousins

Hope for College

At the end of my first year of high school in 1977, country’s political situation changed dramatically, especially for us high school students. We didn’t have to go to the countryside to learn from the farmers anymore. Instead, we could take the national entry exam to go to college, even to a famous one. For us, we had one more year both to finish high school and to prepare for the entry exam. My cousin Guan, Zhongwei was already on a farm and had to work extra hard after each day of work to review the five subjects that he learned in high school a few years earlier. Amazingly, my cousin passed the national entry exam and was accepted by the Chengdu University of Science and Technology’s physics department. He was one of less than 1% of high school graduates who passed the entrance exam for four-year colleges since the Cultural Revolution in 1962. I asked him how he did it. He said, “simple, there are two lives in front of me. I am either a farmer with grass-made sandals working in the field all my life or a professor somewhere with a suit, tie, and leather shoes, writing on a blackboard in the near future.”  Now he is teaching in University of Liverpool.          
     Everyone in school realized the opportunities before them. Everyone studied hard. For the first time, I realized that my college dream could actually come true. I kept telling myself that if my cousin could do it, so could I. I was in a better position to prepare for the exams; I was still in school. From then on, the only thing in my mind was to study. For the first time in my life, I was the center of my family. Now, everything was happened around me for my study preparations. My parents like everyone else, worked extra hard around the house so that I didn’t have to do anything but study. Even my bedridden grandmother tried to help me by peeling apples or oranges and feeding me while I studied at a table beside her bed. She also used a paper fan to cool me and get rid of the mosquitoes. She joked that she might not see me in college. I assured her that she would.
        Very soon, the sixteen classes in our grade re-divided according to exam scores. There were fast, middle, and slow classes. Each class had a different goal. The majority of the fast class was preparing to pass the national entry exam. The middle class was preparing to pass the national entry exam and to graduate from high school. The slow class was just preparing to finish high school. I was in the fast class with my best girlfriend Wei-lin. We competed with each other on exams. We had tests almost everyday, with a big test every week. We had more than eight hours of classes each day including night and weekend classes.

Favorite Movies in high school.
Awaara (1951 Indian film 流浪者) was about a judge who believes that "good people are born to good people, and criminals are born to criminals." He did not trust his own wife after hearing some rumors and kicked out his wife and unborn son from his house. His wife raised their son on the street till one day he robbed his own father's house and got arrested. 

Proof of the Man (1977 Japanese film 人证/人間の証明) was a young half-black man, who lost his father, and was from New York and took a flight to Japan to look for his mother. He is found fatally stabbed in a elevator in a Tokyo hotel at the same time as a fashion show by designer Kyōko Yasugi is being held. The only clue is the dying man's last words "straw hat". The evidence eventually confronts Kyōko that the black man was her son, and she killed him to protect her reputation. It was a dark secret that Kyōko was a prostitute in the years after the war. She failed to convince her son to go back to New York, so she stabbed him a little, hoping that he would get the message, but her son was so despaired that he pushed the knife all the way to his heart. His mother was horrified and ran away. Kyōko commits suicide by jumping off a cliff.

Rebecca (1940 film), 

Jane Eyre,  

The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1956 film)