Is the Soul Always There? My Five Year's Memories in My Tummy

Our neighbor across the street had a new baby. I bought Jonathan and Richard over for a short visit. That night when Jonathan went to bed and I slept across from him in another bed; we started a conversation about babies. Usually his mind was very active before he fell to sleep; he became very talkative around this time. He would tell me what happened in his kindergarten class even though he told me nothing new about school on the way home.
     “Where did you come from, Jonathan? Do you remember?” I asked. “From your tummy,” he said.
“Do you remember what you were doing inside of Mommy?,” I asked. “Yes, I was exercising in your tummy and I played with you backbones. Remember, Mommy when you put your hand over your tummy, I was touching your hands.”
     I became very interested in his story. “Where were you before you came to Mommy?” I asked. “I was living in the clouds, going around and around until I landed on you.” “What are you made from then?,” I asked. “By fire.” “Fire?, it wasn’t hot? You did not get burned?,” I asked. “No, this fire was not hot,” he said. “I was a mouth so I eat and eat; I used the fire to make my head, eyes, nose, ears, tummy, arms and legs, hands and feet, but nails last, mom.” I was so surprised what my five-year-old was telling me. “No, mom, it was not hot and I could make everything with fire, even toys,” he continued.
     “Where did you sleep?,” I asked. “I slept in your brain, I just climbed up. When it was morning I came down, splashed into the water,” he said. “How did you know it was morning?” “I saw through your eyes. When you opened your eyes, I could see it was light, when you closed your eyes, I could not see anything,” he said.
     “How did you eat inside mommy?,” I asked. “When I saw food come down, I started to grab it,” he answered. “Did you like whatever mom ate,” I asked. “Yes, Mommy; no spices Mommy,” he added. Maybe that was why when I was carrying him, it seemed that I was fighting over food between my mouth and tummy. I loved certain spicy Chinese foods and I enjoyed eating them. Only a little later, I threw up or my tummy didn’t feel good. If I ate heavy American food with cheese, which I had the hardest time to swallow, the food stayed and I felt better afterward. Now I know why.
     “How did you know it was the time to come out?,” I asked. He said, “I just knew it was time to push and get out; I pushed and I pushed.” “Was it hurting when you pushed?,” I asked. “No, it was not hurting,” he said. I could not help telling him that I was hurting; it really hurt. He said, “oh.” He did not know it hurt me. “What did you see when you came out?,” I asked. It was amusing that he saw my legs, then the doctor, then his dad.
    “Where are you going then?,” I asked. He only knew that he was a little boy now. He didn’t know where he was going. I told him that he was going to grow up and someday have his own kids just like Mommy and Daddy, then he would get old like Nana and die someday. He became so quiet and I thought that I scared him. I went over to check him and he was sound asleep.
    Later on, I asked him the same questions over and over again. He told similar stories that he was in the clouds before he came to me. It was like he was a real entity all along and had a mind of his own, yet still connect with me and depended upon me. While inside of me, he seemed to have learned something from me. When he saw my father for the first time, he told me that he met him before, but not my brother or sister even though they were all in the pictures that I showed to him.
     He described the apartment building that was in my dreams often. He told me it was a red brick building. He was never there because we moved before I came to the US to a new apartment building that in my dream I was never able to find. I have always dreamed about the red brick building where I spent my teenage life
      I tried to ask my two other sons the same questions when they were five years old.  I did not get much from Richard because he did not remember, Joe was able to tell me that he was a soldier.  He described the battlefield like an old movie. I had some strange violent dreams when I was pregnant with Jonathan, it was an ancient bloody war. All the men were fighting with swords. Somehow I saw my grandmother was killed. The doctor said it is common for pregnant woman to have war dreams.

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Richard Was Born

I delivered Richard after Easter. It was a smooth delivery and I came home the next day. I could tell my mom was so excited. She waited so long to help me after the delivery just like the way her mom did for her. I desperately wanted her here when I delivered my first son Jonathan. We were still graduate students at the time so it was impossible for me to invite her at the time; we simply did not have money or enough room.
     I should have known that my mom could not cook or do much of any housework. She cooked me a chicken with traditional Chinese herb roots. Different from her mom, she made more, much more for me. So she put in a whole pound, instead of one or two roots. Now, you can imagine how strong the flavor was, it really was like eating medicine. She brought me a bowl even before I woke up in the morning and asked me to eat it while it was still hot, followed by eggs and so on. She didn’t want me to come downstairs. Traditionally, mothers stayed in bed for 40 days after delivering a baby, and were not supposed to do anything. Otherwise, something might happen and the illness would stay with you for life. It might have been true in the old days when everything was not so clean.
     It was okay for a day, but 40 days? I could not even think about it after I tried one day. I was so bored and I could not sleep all day and all night, and I didn’t want to eat that much. No wonder my mom looked so full in her face in pictures after she delivered my sister and brother, and that was the only time she was not too thin.
     I had experience from Jonathan though I did make plenty of mistakes. I hoped that I could correct my mistakes this time around for Richard or do things a little differently. My mom came to try her best Chinese ways of doing things first time. She was so upset when she saw me come downstairs and do things my way. She felt she couldn’t help me the way it supposed to be and she felt unwanted. It was a big adjustment after I managed my own house these many years without anyone around though I hoped my mom was around. Now she was here and I felt that I was trying to do better following the best and most recent findings on what was good for my baby. She told me that was not the way my grandma did it and so on.
     My mother’s homesickness started to worsen when she felt like she was not helping as much as she originally thought. Although she said she and my father were an old couple and they were not like us inseparable. They hardly did anything together and they even slept in separate rooms now that they had extra rooms since my father snored so loudly. In fact, she still cared so much about my father and when my father’s letters came, they would lighten her face all day. She loved my father and my father loved her. I guessed it’s the companionship and she knew my father was around and nearby.
     She started to worry about my brother’s girlfriend who she introduced to him two years before in my parents’ city Chengdu. My brother was working on a little island on the South China Sea. He came back to my parents’ home every few months for about a week. My parents were very fond of this girl and she came to our home every weekend and holidays since her parents were not nearby. She even knitted two sweaters for Jonathan, which my mom brought here. She graduated from medical school and worked in a pharmacy. Only my brother didn’t make any move. It seemed to him that she was my parents’ friend. My parents asked him many times and he did not have any comment. Now that my mom was not home, my father didn’t know what to do. He told this girl that my brother had to be the one to make a decision about this although they had tried very hard to push him. Maybe the best thing for her was to look for someone else since she waited for two years and she was close to 30 years old, and everyone knew in China, it was very difficult for a man to be interested in a woman over 30 years old. She cried and left my parents’ home and didn’t return. “Now, your father doesn’t know how to handle this delicate matter. I am not there, and she has not come back. Oh no, we are going to lose such a nice girl. It’s very hard to find girls like her, pretty, professional, and knows how to do all the things around house. Look at these sweaters she knitted; you and I can’t knit this good and it only took her two weeks in the evening hours, and I watched her knitting.” My mother couldn’t stop talking about losing her and praising her; it almost made me jealous.
     Then she started to worry about my sister getting married since she was 26 already and she was not even looking for a nice man for herself. I tried to tell her that maybe they had not yet met the one who would stir their hearts. They would meet someone when the time came. Then she started to worry those mice or insects might eat her dry goods at home without anyone taking care of them.
     One weekend in June, Richard was baptized at our Church. Anthony’s brothers and their wives, his parents and our friends all came at the same time. Like Easter, this was another completely overwhelming experience for my mom. Not only did she feel that she could not help me cook. She could not talk to any of her in-laws. I was busy cooking and watching my newborn at the same time between people’s arms. My mom was alone in the corner of our house and seemed completely forgotten.
     The next day, my mom told me she might have caught a cold and she had a running nose and watery eyes all night. I was a little disappointed. Once again, she wanted me to massage her with that buffalo bone to ease her body pain. I tried but she didn’t think I tried hard enough. She wanted me to rub a few spots on her body till the skin turned blue then she would be better. I refused and tried to give her some medicine we had. Then I felt my nose was a little itchy when I was watching TV in the living room after the busy weekend. That huge basket of flowers someone gave us caught my eyes. That was the source for my mom’s runny nose and watery eyes, and my itchy nose. I had the same symptoms when I worked in the library where there were fresh bundles of flowers. I got up right away and moved all the flowers outside. Sure enough, my mom’s cold recovered right after, so did mine (obviously an allergy).
     It was hard to convince my mom that she was allergic to flowers because she insisted that she had a cold. She started to worry about getting sick in the US or even dying here. She told me that her friend came to see their daughter and grandchildren in the US and was fine until one evening right after dinner. She suddenly had a stroke and died here in the US. She thought that it must have been awful for her friend to be stuck in the strange world of “Yin” and not understand anything. She wanted to go home.
     I tried to ask her stay for six months so that my children would know their grandma better. I needed her too. Recognizing that my mom was not happy here, her unhappiness also affected me emotionally. I felt like she was rejecting the world I found for myself and she was going to abandon me here like the old Chinese who say that a married daughter is someone else’s. That was probably why my father refused to come. I once wrote him a letter asking him to give up smoking for his grandchildren’s sake, especially since my brother and sister were not even married yet. He never replied until my mother came and told me that my letter made him very upset and he blamed me for giving him a bad omen by saying that.
     I booked my mom’s return ticket and took her to one of the fanciest Chinese restaurants. She was impressed by the style of the building and decorations inside, but as usual, not impressed by the food. There was nothing tasted good here, but only looked good. When I just came to the US, I felt the same way. Everything here in the supermarket was already preprocessed and from big industrial farms where the seeds were bred to meet standards such as looking good and easy shipping. They used so many human-made chemicals to either increase the growth of the plants or prevent diseases, or keep the produce fresh. I still had a hard time seeing artificial coloring, especially beef, the colored bright red water dripping. I would rather see its true colors. It was very different from where my mother purchased her food from the farmer’s market every day from small family farmers’ fresh daily pick.
     My mom had the impression that in the US, everything was big and strongly made. The land was big, the roads wide, house large, and people big too. She tried to change my pants’ elastic one day. It took her all day just to take it apart because it was machine-sewn back and forth in so many rounds because it was intended not to be taken apart again.
     She also enjoyed the Annual Flower Show, the Museum of Science, and beaches and parks around. We also took her up north to see New Hampshire and Maine. She was impressed by how much empty space there was everywhere because in China, every possible inch had been used for something or the other.
     We all went to the airport to say goodbye to my mother. I was fine until my mom’s airplane took off. My tears couldn’t stop running down my face although I had Richard in my arms, with Jonathan and Anthony by my side. I tried to tell myself that my family was around me. But to my mom, I was always a child. Her departure made me feel abandoned by her. I felt very sad that my better life, bigger house, and her grandchildren couldn’t keep her here longer.
     It took me awhile to adjust to everything around without her, just like I had to adjust myself when she was trying to take over my kitchen and my way of life. I did quietly accept much of my mom’s way of doing things even though I was fighting hard with her. It was the modern and old-fashioned way. I had to accept that a lot of old fashioned ways just used common sense, the most effective simple ways to do things.

We went to see the Monkey King (my childhood favorite) performance at the Children’s Museum.

My Mother’s Visit

My mom came to help us about two months before I delivered Richard. She had not seen me for ten years. She said that I changed a lot, mostly the way I spent money. In her memory, I had a “big hand.” I thought that I was always good about saving. I never worried about money when I worked in China, every time I went out for business trip. Except for business expenses, I did buy a lot of local specialty goods wherever I went. I thought I did my mom a favor because I carried them home. Then my mom gave me money to bail me out. With my trips all the time, I guess that really put them on a very tight budget. I never heard my mom complain. I stayed home with my parents and ate at home most of the time without paying my parents and they never asked me to pay for anything. I usually bought fruit, vegetables, or whatever I saw that looked good on the way home to share with everyone. I rarely bought clothes or anything else for myself except books. My monthly salary, plus government bonds in four years was in savings before I left China. I gave everything back to my parents.
     The first time I started to get worried about money was here in the US, right after I paid my first month rent and security deposit with my $400 per month stipend. I knew that my mom’s money could not help me anymore.
     Now, the first few weeks after her arrival, we had so much to talk about especially now that I was married with children of my own. I felt that we had so much more in common. Things I never knew or I did not understand before, I understood now. I felt more respect for my mom, since she worked full time, watching and caring for the three of us plus our sick grandma at the same time in a very small two-bedroom apartment. She did not know how to ride a bicycle so she had to carry everything while walking. I understood why she forgot some of my requests, overlooked my sensitive needs and her high expectations. I knew that I could not do the same.
     Jonathan did not take my mother’s visit very well at first. He could not understand what we talked about. He often came between us and said, “no Chinese please! English please!” I was too close to my mom, which made him insecure. He was the center of my life. He rejected my mother’s help with everything. “Mommy do it, Mommy do it” became his routine. If I didn’t do it, he would insist on doing it himself. It was so funny to watch him and my mom fight over putting laundry on the clotheslines in the backyard in the morning and taking them down in the afternoon. He would bring a chair under the clotheslines and try to put on and take off the clothes while standing on the chair. He got upset if my mom tried to help. “I will do it, I will do it,” looked like he could do a better job. My mom’s only English, “No, No, Jonathan…” while she tried to correct him. Jonathan would then run to me and cry, ask me to hold him and give him a bottle of milk, rocking him in our wooden rocking chair and singing “Rock-a-bye baby on the tree top….” at same time. Every now and then, my mom came by and said in Chinese, “Oh, still mommy’s little baby! Someone needs to know that another baby is coming and he needs to grow up to be a big brother.” My mom at the same time felt rejected too. I tried to explain that they were both going through culture shock.
     I don’t know when they started to like each other and they seemed to know how to communicate with each other. He let my mom help him take a bath, use the bathroom, dress up in the morning, etc. My mom seemed to return to her childhood in the playground. With Jonathan, she tried out everything that she never had a chance to try herself when she was a child. She went up and down the slide with Jonathan, encouraging him to take big steps on the challenging ones. I was pretty nervous since she was over 60 and she seemed to often forget that.
  On Easter weekend, Anthony’s parents came and we took Jonathan to the playground again. There my mother hurt her wrist when she fell pushing the swing. She felt so bad especially in front of my in-laws, which started her worst turn. She put on her Chinese medicine she brought with her when she came, but it smelled so strong that she went outside in the backyard. She was also using her buffalo bone to massage her wrist. Hoping for a quick recovery, she followed the book she had brought along with other stuff from Taiwan. I tried to give her ice to prevent her wrist from swelling but she refused.
     The next day, her wrist was swollen so badly and her hand was blue. I was really worried and asked her to stop whatever she was doing. The buffalo bone massage might be good for something, but not for everything like the book claimed. We would have to send her to the hospital if the swelling didn’t go away. We asked her to try to use ice for the swelling and warm water to increase her blood circulation. She tried and her hand was much better the next day.

Not Feeling Alone in Our House

One night not long after we moved into our house, Anthony woke up and heard music downstairs. He woke me up and asked me whether I could hear it. Yes, I heard Jonathan’s music book the one you press the button, and it plays silly songs like “Down by the station, early in the morning…” and so on. The funny thing was it kept playing again and again several times. The next day, we joked that maybe Lucille was down there playing. The next night before I went to bed, I said into the air, “Lucile, if it’s you, we don’t mind. But don’t scare us at night. Please help us and protect us.” Then we never heard anything more. I was curious to check if the book had ran out of batteries; it had not. After that, the book did not play by itself anymore.
     I always felt sorry that we did not have the chance to pay respects at her grave where she was buried in her hometown. A few days before her death, her older brother and nephews drove six hours from New Hampshire to say goodbye to her and asked her what her wishes were after her death. Then they drove back to NH on the same day. I was hoping they could stay at her house and go to the hospital every day until she died since it was her last days and she never married and had no other family members around. They told us that they already made arrangements to transfer her body back home after she died.
     Marjorie and Lucille were housemates for most of their lives. Marjorie could not drive or cook; Lucille loved to drive and cook. They shared a two-bedroom house and half of their expenses. I thought that was very good compared to living alone.
     Not long after that music incident. I dreamed that we were walking around this flower garden. Then we turned a corner and went into this tiny door and tiny space that looked like a fireplace. Lucille’s bed was half out and half into the fireplace. She was lying in her bed and I could only see her upper body and she seemed very crowded in that bed and she couldn’t even turn over. We too hardly had any space to stand by her. I felt a draft come in from the door behind me so I tried to close the door and push my body inside. Then Lucille said that there was room next door with a double bed for us to stay. Yes, indeed. I saw this sizable double bed when we walked into the next room. I woke up. When she was alive, she told me that Marjorie’s family’s cemetery plots only had room for one person. She and her single daughter would have to fight over that one plot. If there was more room she didn’t mind joining her in her family plot. 
    Marjorie was married to an Afro-American singer in the 1930s in New York City. Both sides of their family disowned them afterward. Soon after she had her daughter, her husband died in a flu epidemic. She had a very hard life bringing up her daughter in New York City. Unfortunately, her older sister had a genetic disease and died young. Finally, she inherited their family farm, which she had no interest in. She called her cousin somewhere in the Midwest. She told her cousin that he could have the farm for free if he was willing to take her family name. Her ancestor took Mayflower to this new land and she was hoping her cousin would take the land. But he said, “this soil is not fertile and no thank you.” Then he flew back home. Every time Marjorie talked about this, she had tears in her eyes. Her nearby cousin would only admit they were friends in public and not related today.
     I tried to comfort her by saying see how many friends she has now. They are all your family. Yes indeed, she spent her whole life building friendships around the world. She even had some government agent visit her doorstep once when she tried to sell friendship yarns from Russia back in the 1970s. She was working for UNICEF as a social worker all her life. Lucille was a director of a daycare. They traveled around world. They had a good home and nice orderly life.

Lucille holding Jonathan’s hands and Rebecca’s son Joshua in front of Marjorie.  I was baby-sitting and keeping the elders company.

     Our house had all carpets on the first floor, the former owner had pets.  Although it looked clean, I could still see the stains and smells after professional carpet cleaning.  I bought a carpet steamer myself and cleaned a few more times.  One afternoon, I was watching the soap "General Hospital" while Jonathan was taking a nap.  It was 90 degrees outside and I felt that all I smelled was a mix of cat's urine and carpet shampoo.  I could not stand this smell any longer.  I got up and looked at the carpet at the end of the wall next to the TV, and I gently pulled it up and it was easy.  Only the edge had a strip of wood with small nails attached to the carpet.  I could see the hardwood floor underneath.  Oh, this carpet was not glued to the floor.  I could easily put the whole thing out. The hardwood floor looked perfect. I was so sick and tired of this smelly carpet and why I did not find out this when we moved in.  After hundreds of dollars spent, I should have pulled this dirty carpet out before I moved in. So I started pulling and moving the sofa and furniture around. Very soon, I rolled up the carpet in the living room and dining room. Only I was surprised that the dining room did not have a nice hardwood floor underneath, but old green and white tiles, but still better than the dirty carpet.  I was trying to pull the rolled up rugs outside of the house, the living room to the front door and the dining room to the back door.  The rug stuck in the little turn at both doors, and no matter how I pulled it, the rugs would not move.  It was over 90 degrees; I was very tired and had to give up.  Anthony came home; he saw a half-pulled rug stuck in both the middle of the front and back doors.  "What did you do, Ying?"  I replied, " I am sick and tired of these smelling rugs and I had it; I want you throw them all out".  He was upset -- "why didn't you tell me so I could do it in on a cooler day. You have to do this today...we ended up spending more money on putting a new hardwood floor in dinning room.
       Our house was over 100 years old, a colonial, and it needed a lot of repairs.  We spent a lot just to fix the plumbing. We had planned to buy a bigger car and some new furniture such as a dining room set.  Our front porch was leaking somewhere since we could see water stains on the ceiling.  One day, I opened the window in the upstairs bedroom, and looking out, I could see a few small holes on the roof tiles. Oh, that must cause the leak. The only thing I had in the house was silicone caulking for the bathroom tiles.  That would do it for now, so I climbed out of the window with my bare feet for a better grip.  I started filling those holes with the caulking. A voice was calling on the street -- one of my neighbors drove by and stopped in the middle of the road.  "Ying, Ying, are you OK? can I help you with anything?..." She was very concerned about me since I was three months pregnant with Richard.  She was afraid that I would jump down from there. It took me a few minutes to figure out her concern since she did not want to move on.  I assured her that I was OK.  Anthony came home upset again asking me what I was doing up there on the roof...

Say Goodbye to Our College Town

Anthony was trying to finish up his work for his professor and other graduate students. I started to check apartment listings. David kindly sent us a Boston Sunday Globe with some recommendations on where to avoid, what was the going price, etc. After dozens of phone calls, we finally found an apartment in Malden, north of Boston for a lease of 3 months. That would give us more time for house hunting.
     We had Mayflower as our moving company. Three young men came in the morning and packed for us in a few hours. Then in the afternoon, another three young men came for loading up the truck. This time there was a Native American among them and he was in charge. I was surprised to see him carry our full, loaded dresser on his back with a cotton belt loop from the 3rd to the 1st floors since we didn’t have an elevator.
     While he was loading the truck, two other young guys were struggling to get our couch out of the door. They tried for about a half-hour and somehow the couch just didn’t want to go out. I called Anthony at the office and asked him how he got the couch into the apartment in the first place. He said that his father, brother, and he struggled for a long time to get it in, but he did not remember exactly how. Finally, I told them just to chop it up and put it in the trash since it was old anyway. At the same time, the Native American came up and yelled, “what are you guys doing up here?; I finished all the loading and took a break, and you are still up here.” They explained to him about the couch and I told them just forget it and break it up. He smiled and said, “come on guys, pick up the couch and turn around, and…” The two guys followed his directions and within a few seconds, the couch was out. It went so smooth and I said, “wow.” He did not say a word and continued his work. (Mayflower, part of Unigroup ).  I did not know that 10 years later I would end up working for them  too and it became my longest career.
     Jonathan felt a little lost between the trip and now that the apartment was empty. We slept on the floor that night and drove to Boston the next day. We thought we mapped out the trip pretty good. After we got off Route 90, we went by Route 60 where we got lost in the little towns. It was 4 PM in the afternoon. We had to be at the apartment rental office by 5 PM, otherwise, we would have to stay in a motel somewhere overnight. Luckily, we made it to the office at 4:55 PM.

Lucille Passed Away

Marjorie and Lucille’s health had worsened. First Marjorie had to go through a whole series of tests to find out what was causing her pain. She gradually couldn’t walk anymore. The doctor did not find anything and she was in the nursing home temporarily.
     This gave me a chance to see a nursing home for the first time when we went to visit. She had a roommate who lost her mind. From her words while she moaned and groaned, we knew that she had a son, but we never saw him come to visit. Every time we were there, I heard a man’s voice down the hall calling “help, help.” So desperate sounding, so helpless, it made me follow his voice one day. He sat on his chair with one of his hands supporting his head on the table. He was motionless; his lips were so dry and cracked. I was standing in front of him. He did not even acknowledge my presence. So, I bent down to get closer. I said, “can I help you?” He did not show any movement and seemed trapped in his own world still calling for help. Marjorie said he called for help all day and night and that she was so stressed by all those people. Very soon, she had to make a decision with her daughter, whether to stay in that place and give up all their belongings or go home with a helper. Finally, her daughter decided to take care of her at home.
     Lucille had been in and out of the hospital. I took Jonathan to see her every now and then. One day, I was in her room at home. We discussed our uncertain futures and where we were going to be in the future because of the job prospects. She was also concerned about herself. She never married and had no children. I told her that she could go with us if she wanted. I wouldn’t mind to have a “grandma” around. She said that it depended upon where we went because she needed to have a dialysis center nearby for her kidney needs. That was why she could not go back to her hometown in New Hampshire where most of her family lived. She said she would consider my offer. But not long after, she was in the hospital again and one day, Marjorie called me and asked me to go to the hospital right away and say goodbye to Lucille. Lucille was not going to be better and she had only a few days left.
     We rushed to the hospital. She saw us by the door and stopped us from bringing Jonathan in. She didn’t want Jonathan to see her. So, Anthony and I took turns to go in and see her. She had changed a lot. Her eyes were sunken and she looked very weak. She did have a clear mind. It was so hard for me to see her that way. I was trying to tell her that she was going to get better. She told me, “no, I’ve said goodbye to my brothers and most of my friends.” I told her that she would drive home again since I knew that she loved to drive. She said, “I already gave away my car to Rose.” She had a living will; she didn’t want the doctor to do any more.
     I felt desperate because I didn’t know what to say. But I couldn’t accept the fact that she had no hope and she was dying. I sat by her bedside. I took the record board by the foot of the bed. It clearly showed her blood pressure dropping day by day to dangerous levels. She had stopped dialysis and eating but her mind was so active. I just could not accept that she gave up the fight. Rose told me, “No, Ying, not this time, no, dear, she is not going to get better this time. We just hope and try to make her as comfortable as possible.” I knew Rose had been a doctor herself.
     We came back the next day and knew that Lucille was getting worse. She told me that she couldn’t breathe. Very soon, she started to call, “doctor, doctor, please help me, please, please...” I started to worry and went to look for the doctor. The nurse told me that her doctor was on the way but Rose told me that the chance that her doctor would come was small because he could not do any more. I went back and told Lucille that the doctor was on the way. She was going to be okay. She was going to be better.
     We left the hospital at 5:30 PM. After we got home, I felt very bad. I did not want to eat, so I went to bed and lied down there. Lucille’s face was in front of me. I saw her calling for the doctor. I felt so bad, helpless that I was she and I felt that I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t understand why none of the doctors or nurses came. They should have at least come to comfort her or do something because she needed help while dying. About 6:30 PM, Rose called Anthony and told him that Lucille had gone to heaven finally. Anthony tried to comfort me with the assurance that she was no longer suffering. She is with God. I just burst into tears crying. I cried and cried, reliving that I had lost my grandma again.
     A few days later, I dreamed about Lucille, she looked so young and full, not like how she looked when she was dying, thin, with sunken eyes. “Hi, Lucille, you look so good! See, I told you that you were going to be Okay and you are going to be better.” She smiled and said, “You are leaving the city!” “My offer still stands and you could still follow us,” I said. She should not feel much different because we got some of her spare furniture in her attic that her brother did not want to move back to NH. We left her bedroom untouched because Marjorie and her daughter Rachel wanted to rent her room out to students for extra income.
     Then I dreamed that I was in their house again. Lucille was healthy, walking from the kitchen to the dining room holding a small cake like she used to surprise me with for my birthday, only I was trying to guess whose birthday was. I then noticed there was only one candle on the cake. While she was walking towards us, she sang, “Happy birthday to me, Happy birthday to me!” On the other hand, Marjorie who was still alive, looked so pale and sick lying in bed. Marjorie lived a few more years after.

Looking for a Job

I quit the job at the restaurant when I found out I was expecting our first child, Jonathan, because the doctor said that I had a low placenta and I didn’t want to lose him. It had been a nice experience working at the restaurant. It provided me the opportunity to learn more about American life.
     I entered a different world when I became pregnant with our first child. I met my girlfriend Rebecca, a German exchange student who married an American. She had a son four months older than mine. Later on, I babysat her son Joshua; her son and my son Jonathan became good playmates. After Rebecca  went back to Germany, I took Jonathan along to another family babysat three more kids. At the same time, I also helped Marjorie and Lucille cook their dinner three times per week. That helped. I had a little washer to wash our clothes and diapers, and let the sun dry them. I tried to do everything myself. We actually saved a little each month. One day, I was listening to the radio and they were talking about financial management and mutual funds. I requested some information and read the brochures and chose a few. According to my best judgment, I invested most of my savings into them. One year later, those investments showed quite a good return. So I asked Anthony to put his savings in. Those investments made it possible for us later on to buy our first home when Anthony started his first job. By the time Anthony was close to finishing his Ph.D., his professor and he discussed his future prospects. He started looking for a job. After his degree, his professor could provide a couple of month’s support as a postdoctoral associate. That made him very serious about his job search. He applied to whatever he could, including postdoctoral positions. It was very disappointing. No luck again and again.
     He applied to more than 60 jobs. He got mostly rejections, and three telephone interviews, including one from Kentucky wondering whether he could take the hardship and poor conditions. Then he was invited to Ohio for an interview. It took us more than ten hours to drive to Columbus. We camped at a friend’s apartment overnight. Anthony went for the interview the next morning. Jonathan was two years old, and fell from one of the picnic benches when we stopped for lunch and got a big bump on the back of his head, unfortunately. Anthony did not get the job anyway.
     We started to feel anxious. I asked him to bring me all of the job announcements to read also. There was a job that fit me if I was still young and single. It was in Tibet to help establish a national park at the base of Mt. Everest. We did request more information but didn’t apply because it involved a lot of travel. Another job, Anthony thought it wasn’t for either of us, was to edit an English-language series about plants of China. The position needed someone with experience in botany and editing, with an interest in Chinese plants. I read the job description and felt it was the closest match for us. I suggested that he applied for the job and include my resume along with his.
     Anthony had a telephone interview with the director of the personnel office. She asked all the possible questions and was satisfied with Anthony. Then she told Anthony to wait for the site supervisor David to call him from Boston to arrange an interview. The same day, David called and asked when Anthony could come for an interview. "Anytime," Anthony said. David told Anthony that he wished to talk to me also. So we drove for seven hours east to Boston. Like the Ohio interview, Jonathan came along; only this time, I would be "interviewed" too. So we decided to take turns so someone could watch Jonathan. We checked in at a motel nearby. We did not sleep much that night because of excitement and nerves. Somehow though, my gut feeling told me that this job was for Anthony. I went ahead to start checking on available apartments and houses before we left Syracuse for the interview.
     The next morning, we dressed up and drove to the Herbaria. The trip was so smooth that we did not even make any wrong turns, which was unusual for us. We parked our car and we were still a little early, so we decided to walk around. I pushed Jonathan in a stroller while walking with Anthony.  At 9 am, I kissed him "good luck." He went inside, and I looked around and saw two stone rhinos at the door to the biology building. I started to walk that way to show Jonathan. Not far away, I heard Anthony call "Ying." I was surprised to see him. "So soon, you are too early?" I said. "No, he wants us all to go up," Anthony answered. "With Jonathan, a little child?" "Yes," Anthony said. So we all went in. I felt a little embarrassed pushing Jonathan in the stroller by the front desk while the receptionist said, "hi." I felt someone telling me "what is this baby doing here at this prestigious university?” We went upstairs to the office. Jonathan was very good and sat in his stroller. He didn't even make any sound all through the interview.
     The interview went well. David said, "I don't see any reason why you are not qualified. When can you start?" Then he gave us a tour. I insisted on waiting in his office with Jonathan while he took Anthony around. But he said, "come along. No one will mind. We don't see children around that often here." So we met everyone. I pushed the stroller and Jonathan waved to everyone and people said, "gee, I would like to sit like you and let people push me around. That looks comfortable." "Sure, in a nursing home," another said. We all laughed.
     Before we left, David let us into the museum especially for Jonathan since he would be interested. We did not tell David that I had already made an appointment to look at houses so we had to leave right away. It took us awhile to find the way out and where our car was.
     The realtor took us in her car and showed us three houses in Somerville. The first house we saw was by the subway. It had a very small front yard with a backyard with weeds so high that it looked like the lawn had never been cut before. Inside was dark and damp, a single lady sat in the darkest corner of the house. She did not even bother to get up, just said, "feel free to look around" and the realtor seemed to know the house well. Between the dining room and kitchen wall, there was a big hole in the wall. The house needs a lot of work and she wanted 115K. My heart started to sink because I realized how much more expensive the houses were here in Boston. We looked at two more houses; they were better and more or less in move-in condition. They were so old, so small, with no backyards and no driveways, so expensive beyond our dreams. I was kind of disappointed. I took some apartment guides before we drove back to Syracuse.
     Dr. Wang in our college was so excited. She had worked on the same project under Dr. Hu Shiu Ying when she had just graduated from college in the 1950s, but the project failed due to lack of funds. Now, she was close to retirement. Hearing that we were going to continue this project was such good news. She told us to say “hi” to Dr. Hu when we got there.

Dr. Hu Shui Ying (胡秀英) (and Mr. Michael Canoso). Dr. Hu loved my dessert and I enjoyed the edible wild plants she picked. She often told us that she spent over an hour to gather a handful of tender shoots. She used to give me special spices and showed me how to cook wild plants. I went further and started collecting wild mushrooms. I had not touched any mushrooms since my Tibetan Hospital Stay over 10 years before.