My Mom Has Dementia

"Even slightly elevated blood pressure increases dementia risk. The link between dementia risk and hypertension is well established." My mom's blood pressure was never fully controlled, because she did not believe the one little pill could control her high blood pressure.  Instead, she was spending all her monthly pension and life savings (over 300,000 yuan) on those direct scams, the ones who treated her like a queen but emptied her bank account. Not only we noticed her memory slowed down, the neighbors also noticed her odd movements.  They saw her wandering in the yard or outside for hours, not sure what she was doing. However, she managed to get to her younger sister's place last year.  Her nephew was surprised and eventually sent her home.  It was the last time she was able to travel that far by herself. 

     She failed to kick out my father's favorite aide.  She tried to leave home but had no place to go. She refused to go to see a doctor to confirm that she has dementia. If it was true, she would lose control of her own pension. She cashed her pension monthly and she hid her money in her room and refused anyone to get into her room.

     Her world soon crashed when she broke her hip early this year; she ended up having surgery and stayed in the hospital.  She was completely lost there.  My father went to the hospital to see her.  He told me that she did not look or talk to him and it really broke his heart.  But she had tears in her eyes. That was the turning point for her; she gave up on my father and her dementia took over her. This was actually good news; her blood pressure returned to normal and she finally was able to sleep at night. 
     My father on the other hand found a new hope from this young aide who stayed with him 24/7, so his pension ended up paying her. Her last name is Shen (神姓) , which literally means "god." He told me that he was lucky to have her. At age 52, she has 3 children and a few grandchildren already; all her kids are gone from their hometown. They bought their own homes in Chengdu. The migrant workers are the fresh blood of the city; only her husband stayed behind at the farm. The One Child policy never applied to them in the far away mountain region of Guangyuan, bordering Sichuan and my father's hometown Shaanxi. Historically, Guangyuan belonged to Shaanxi due to the strategic location, the Jianmen Pass(剑门关) . Today, the Chinese government offers the remote regional people 30,000 yuan to have an extra child; however, the new generation refuses just like the city people. The kids are too expensive too them.  

Jianmen Pass      

     Every time, I talked with my father on the phone, he cared more about this aide.  He complained about my mom who still could not accept the aide and hit her every time she was trying to help her. The oil company covered free annual physical checkups for aides.  My father paid all her other medical and dental expenses; he also gave her money when her son got married, and when her grandson was born, etc. 
     My brother has been working the night shift in order to get 2 days off, so he could stay home one half month each month to care for my mom. My mom now only listens to my brother.  My brother seems very happy to take care of my mom, who is like a little kid now. My brother talks more at home and talks about my mom's silly things.
    When my sister and I decided to go visit home in November, my dad's first thought was to give the aide a break so that she could go home. But she refused, she wanted to go back home for the Chinese New Year. I was hoping that we could give my brother a break.  My brother has been shopping, cooking, and caring my mother ever since he came back home in February this year.  The aide only cooks when he is not home, which is half a month each month. I have to remind my father that my brother is much older than the aide, that he has a full time job, and that he still smokes.  My biggest fear is about my brother who has no life of his own. He works, then he is home with my parents. 
     When my brother came to pick me up at the airport, it was 2 AM, and then a week later, he picked up my sister around the same time. He dropped her off and went back to work.  He talked about taking my mom out to get new glasses. No matter how hard they tried, my mom was not able to cooperate. I laughed and did not believe he actually tried. He tricks my mom and plays with her, whatever makes my mom smile. He also has to fight with my mom when she does not listen to him, my mom would hit him instead.  The aide said when my mom hit her son, she was very gentle, but hit her very hard. I could see my brother lost weight since the last time I saw him. The aide told me that he even smoked at home with windows open, that shocked me since I never saw him smoke at home.
     I was afraid that my mom would not recognize me and wanted to kick me out, as she did to my sister's two kids in the summer. To my surprise, she was very nice to me. She wanted me to eat her breakfast, she kept getting up from her sofa, walking wobbly to get different kinds of fruits and snacks to me.  Shen then took off her bracelet and insisted to put on my hand. I said no, you keep it, she showed me her other hand, and yes, she had another one. So I put it on. 

     My father told me that she refused to eat vegetables and easily became constipated, so I brought some fiber gummy bears and Dulcolax pills just in case. Since she has a sweet tooth now, I also bought probiotic gummy bears, chocolate calcium chews, and some chocolates. Also a big box of Ensure.  She took all the sweets and I spoon fed her a half bottle of Ensure, she loved them all. 
     After her nap, I decided to take her outside to get some sunshine; my brother said she could only walk to the front gate. When we reach the gate, she kept walking so I let her.  There was a fruit vendor outside; she was checking her pockets try to find money but failed. So she turned to me, "they took all my money away, do you have any?".  I told her that I did not bring any money. We kept walking; a vegetable vendor was very patient and I told him that we did not have any money.  He said "no worry, you could just scan this barcode." That really made me feel very bad, since I do not have a cell phone account to just scan and pay. Talking about how much behind I am, even behind a farmer.
     We kept walking and stopped at the gate of the Hospital. There was a dozen stairs up to the front door, she decided to go up, I held one of her arms. After we reached the front door, we sat on the bench to rest. A few people passing by recognized my mom and stopped to say hi and asked how everyone was doing.  At the same time, I did notice an aide pushing a noisy man in a wheelchair going upstairs.  After that, my mom said "you could just sit here and wait for me; I am going upstairs to see one of my colleagues". I insisted to go with her,  she let me, so we took the elevator up to the 5th floor. She seemed to know where to go, we walked towards the old man who was noisy downstairs. The aide was washing his feet, seeing us approach, she said to him, "sing the songs now, sing." He listened, he started to sing slowly and tried to catch his breath at the same time. One was a Red song for Chairman Mao, and the other was Tian Xian Pei ( 天仙配). We walked by him and looked into the kitchen at the end of the hall, no one was inside. We then walked back towards the man, and now I knew she was looking for the man's wife.  They used to buy nutritional supplements from direct sales together. I asked the aide when his wife was coming back and she said not till 9 PM. We stood in front of the 90 years old man; I asked my mom if she recognized the man, the powerful Communist party secretary Ma, a Chinese Muslim. She looked at him and said no, he was not the man. The man did not really looked at us, he was in his own world. We then walked towards the elevator.  When we got close, my mom said, "do you want to use the bathroom?, there is one at the end of the hall and turn left."   I didn't really want to go but wanted to see whether she was right or not.  I asked her to sit at the bench across from the elevator and wait for me. She was right, there was a bathroom there. 
     When we finally got downstairs and walked to the front door again, I pointed to the left ramp for cars, and said, "let's walk down that way, it is easier".  She refused, she wanted to walk down the stairs. I was nervously holding one of her arms and let her other hand hold the railing and slowly go down the stairs. She did it so we started walking back to the gate. When we arrived at the gate, my brother was waiting there with her wheelchair, "where have you been? it is dinner time."  "Do you want to sit down on the wheelchair?," I asked.  She did not reply but kept walking. My brother was shocked that she walked that far and actually talked with sentences.  He was asking if it was the Ensure - for Strength & Energy on the box,  later on I found out we had Ensure powder at home, only my father was drinking it and my mom refused to drink it prepared by the aide.
     The next thing, my brother and the aide wanted my help to let my mom take a shower. She would not let anyone take off her clothes. She had a shower when my sister was home back in August. So the three of us tried to take off her clothes first, and she started to fight back, scratching the aide really hard so my brother asked the aide to leave her alone and go away. Finally my brother and I were able to take off most of her clothes, I walked her into the shower with her underwear. When I turned the shower on and the water got on her body, she became very happy and started washing herself.  I put shampoo on her head, she was washing her hair, putting soap on her body, and she was washing like a normal adult. Then she noticed that I was wet, she said "you are wet, why do you take a shower too". I said "after you."  She must have taken this shower for over an hour, then finally she was done.  I started to dress her up with her all red clothes, her face glowed with rosy cheeks. I told her that she looked like a pretty bride, and who did she want to marry?  She smiled and was really happy.
     The aide showed me her new gold wedding ring; she spent over 300 more to make it bigger and brighter. She also bought another red stone ring and suggested me to get one since it was a promotion sale, really cheap. I decided to take my mom with me, pushing her in her wheelchair. The aide led the way as we walked into the French Carrefour Mall. My mom's eyes were sparkling, looking all around like a little princess. When we finally reach the store, I decided to buy two, one for my mom and one for me. My mom was so happy to see this red stone ring, the Chinese called it pomegranate red stone. When we got back home, my mom was playing with the ring, sometimes putting the ring on different fingers, sometimes using her magnifying glass to look at the stone.
     I was sleeping with her on her double bed at night; she closed her bedroom door and kept her nightstand light on.  Every now and then in the middle of the night, she got up and turned on the 5 petal ceiling lights, she stared at the lights and told me the same story that someone broke the lights, the repairman came and did not do a good job.  She pointed out the imperfections. She gets up 2 times at night to use her potty. I jumped out of bed to make sure she pulled down her pants low enough so she did not wet her pants. Sometimes she opened the door and looked out, and she said, "it is still dark." She then came back to bed to sleep. Other times, she walked out of her room to the living room in the dark, she knew exactly where the light switch was and turned the lights on.  Then she sat down on her spot on the sofa, read and snacked as if it was daytime. We had to get her back to bed by turning off the lights. Sometimes it worked, and other times, it did not. In the day time, if we give her something to do, such as cleaning the vegetables, the less likely she would fall asleep on the sofa. If she sleeps less in the daytime, she will sleep better at night.

     I was thinking about taking my mom to Zigong to see her 92 years old brother.  She said that she did not think anyone was left in Zigong.  I showed her older brother's photos, she was still not convinced. She does remember her parents. So I ended up going there by myself, something I need to do every time I go back to visit China. After all, I spent my first 9 years with them, 7 years with my parents. My aunt is turning 90 next year and she does not want to celebrate.  Just like my mom, she broke her hip when she was 87 years old. Only her mind is very sharp and she walks much better than my mom. She said "Playing Mahjong daily keeps my mind sharp so I do not lose too much money".  If she lost too much, she will stop playing for a while. I gave her 2000 yuan so she has extra money to lose. My uncle slowed down a lot, his mind is better than my mom's. 

My mom still remembered her dad who died in 1968

My mom remembered her mom who died in 1978

     When I came back from Zigong, my sister was sleeping next to my mom, I slept in on the sofa in the living room. One night, my mom came out and turned on the light.  She noticed me and I got up trying to send her back to her room. She looked at my sister in her bed, said to me "there is someone here already, you could sleep outside then. Do you have a potty outside?".  I said "yes."  She said "make sure pull your pants down really low so you do not wet your pants."  I said "OK." She forgot that she always fights when we were trying to change her wet pants.  I had to let her hand feel the wetness in order to help her change. Now she had a clear mind for the moment. 

     One night when the aide was out, my father gathered all of us.  He was telling us that he wants to donate his body to Huaxi Medical since he had 11 kinds of problems. It might be helpful to medical students and researchers to study and figure it out.  He said that if any of us object, his wish could not come true.  I said that I respected his decision but wanted to know more details, including what happens after they finish. He checked into Huaxi Medical again for a short stay. The aide stayed with him in the hospital. 

     The night before I came back to America, my brother took all of us out for dinner.  When the first dish came, my mom was using her chopsticks and picking out the food on her own.  That was a big surprise, she had been using a spoon and a lot of times, I had to help feed her. She was really enjoying eating out.  She kept taking more food into her dish and she ate a good amount. My sister said that she had to take her out to eat more since she enjoyed it so much.

     I was taking the first flight out to Beijing, I planned to leave at 5 AM.  My mom got up at 4 AM this morning, as if she knew I was leaving. She sat on her sofa with a unhappy face.  I told her that I would come back next year to see her again, to be good and listen to my brother. She was silent.