My Oldest Uncle Guan, Ju -Jin Passed Away at age 93

My oldest uncle Guan, Ju Jin (官举晶, #10 in boys) was born on January 16th, 1927, passed away on November 19th at 3:58 PM 2020, two months short from his 94th birthday. The last time I was able to talk to him was in August when his youngest son from Shenzhen was visiting. His son give him his cell phone to see me through WeChat. He woke up from his nap on the couch, and he repeatedly called my name "Ying, Ying, is that you?". He was really clear compared to my mom. I took a sreen shot of him.

His son told me that he was planning to take his parents to Chengdu to visit my mom and aunt in September. I was not sure it was a good idia since we were still under the Pandemic, his dad was 93 and his mom was 91, 3.5 hours drive to my city. He insisted to let them gather before the winter, since there was no COVID-19 in SW part of China except for a few imported ones back in February. All life had been back to normal for more than 6 months. The reunion was very emotional, my aunt was the youngest of 4, she cried the most. My uncle did not recognize my mom in the restaurant, but he was able to recognize my mom after they came back home. He started to cry and asked why my mom lost so much weight. Her face used to be very full, my 89 years old mom was scared from that many strangers around. She did not recognize her older brother. They drove home after dinner the same day.

I talk to my mom every week via WeChat, she holds my brother's cell phone and stares at me most of the time. She does not talk, but refuses to let the phone go until she closes her eyes napping. If my brother takes the phone away from her, she wakes up and looks at me again. I just kept talking to her, usually for an hour without her saying anything. Since she just saw her older brother and his wife, and my mom's and uncles' younger sister, I started to ask her about them. I mentioned her brother's wife, the best cook in the family. I asked my mom if she could go shopping so her brother's wife could cook. She did not say anthing, so I said maybe it is best to let her shop since she was the one who was going to cook, just tell her what dishes she likes to eat. Spicy chicken or rabbit were my mom's favorite dishes. All of a sudden, my mom started to talk, she asked my brother to give my aunt money so she could go shopping. She and my brother started a conversation. That was amazing, since she had not talked in full sentences for a long time. She remembered her oldest brother, who gave up his college education to work to support the whole family. He gave every penny he earned to my grandmother, to take care of her 5 kids and disabled bedridden husband. He refused to get married so he could support all of his 3 sisters and his brother in college.

His son said his dad could still eat more than he could at age of 93. Every time he came home, he loved to take his parents out to enjoy their favorite food. He did not show any sickness at all. He took a shower the night before, his wife found him unresponsive in the morning. My uncle was survived by his wife, a daughter and two sons, 3 granddaughers and 1 grandson. His oldest son, a professor at the University of Liverpool, 2 granddaughters and great granddaughter would not be able to go back since UK was still in full lockdown. I did not go to say goodbye to my father in March, now I lost my loving uncle who was my acting father for my first 9 years. I do not remember him ever raising his voice to his children or me. He used to walk an hour each way to work, he thought it was a very good way to excercise. I used to be very picky about food; he used to tell me eat the same amount of food no matter I liked it or not. It is good for my health. Most people eat more for something they like, less or none if not liked.

None of his children live nearby, he and his wife have a woman in her 60s to help them out. They are just so content to live their simple life. I was there 2 years ago, I was sorry that I did not make it there last year since my father was so sick in the hospital. I was planning to visit them this year. I guess it is good that he did not suffer much or at least not suffer long before his death. He had such a good life and forever remains an example for us.

My Father Passed Away from Melanoma at age 87

Wen-Jian Han's obituary    

This past summer, my father’s nose kept bleeding. The doctors were afraid of doing a biopsy since he was over 86 years old with other problems, so nothing was done except for stopping the bleeding and using an antibacterial drug.  My brother was able to find a younger doctor a few months later who was brave enough to do a biopsy to figure out if it was cancer.  The result was cancer but we could not tell my father. We told him it was a polyp. Now at the end of the year, the tumor extended beyond his nose and was still bleeding, sometimes more, mostly a slow drip.  His doctor said surgery is very risky. He might not be able to wake up from surgery. They tried to organize a group of specialists to meet and discuss his situation, and then give us their recommendations.

    I flew to China on Monday November 18th, and did not get to my parents' home until the 20th.  I brought our Catholic Prayer cards, which I added into the crowded family altar, which included a long Tibetan Buddhist prayer and a few Han Buddhist statues, and a Taoism symbol.  My sister said all prayers are welcome here.  

     We all went to the hospital to visit my father right away. He was in bed, and I went over and hugged him. He held me really hard and started to cry.  My 88-year old mom was sitting on a wheelchair, and my brother, sister, and I all gathered around my father. 

     My father started to talk. First, he said his aide was so wonderful and he felt bad that she had to get up so many times during the night to help him. She had to help the nurse during the day and go out of the hospital to buy meals. The aide didn’t lose the opportunity to talk; she said she had to carry my dad to use the bathroom 7 or 8 times each night. Later, I found out that was a lie. She massaged my dad’s legs 3 hours a day so her hands hurt. Later, the physical therapist said the massaging was wrong due to my father’s high risk of blood clots. My dad used to go downstairs to exercise every morning at 6 AM until she came into his life a little over two years ago. He became more and more dependent on her, now his back failed so that he could not even stand up and needed her to carry him to the wheelchair. He could not walk anymore. Her pay started at 2700/month; my brother gave her 8000/month plus whatever my dad gave her for take-out meals...  

     Then he said he was sorry to burden my brother, so that my brother could not even find any social time to find a mate to get married. He was at work and home only. He is going to die alone since he was not married and didn’t have any kids. I said we, my sister and I, would take care of him. 

     Then, he talked about my mom so I pushed my mom over to him so he could reach her hand. My mom stared at him trying to figure out who he is.  My father did not look at her but held her hand saying sorry that he had to leave her behind. My mom didn’t say anything but tears ran down her cheek. When she looked at the aide, she stared at her with anger and she didn’t say a word. 

     My sister and I went back to the hospital and my brother was home with my mom. The first concern was why the aide was going out of the hospital to buy meals from the restaurant. The board above my father’s bed stated “Special Diet” since he has diabetes. The aide said the hospital food was no good and my dad could not eat it. I said the meals from the restaurant are not suitable to him, because they are high in salt, fat, and sugar. You could eat out but my dad needs to eat the hospital food. She said your dad tried but could not eat it, the rice was too dry and the noodles mush and they were tasteless. I said he needed the special diet. Did you ask what were his options? She said you could go ask the doctor. I went to the nurses station since it was right outside of the door. The nurse said all of the food was designed for senior patients. All our patients are seniors, but for your dad’s special diet, you should go ask his doctor. The nurse said, “by the way, where was your dad’s aide trained?" I said, “I assumed at your hospital since my father took her home from here. I went to the doctors office; there were about two dozen persons at their desks and computers, all facing the wall, with a large table in the middle so they just needed to turn around to have a meeting. My father has two assigned doctors, but all the doctors plus invited specialists sat around the table regularly discuss my father’s situation. Since there are new lab and the whole body CT scan results, they’re going to have another meeting next week to discuss what is best for my father.  Each time, the best is still do nothing.

     I walked into the office, a half dozen doctors were there and I didn’t know who was my father’s doctor. I said Hello, please tell me who is Wen-jian Han’s doctor? One of the young female doctors turned around and said she was one of them. I asked if I could talk to her, she said sure. I said my dad needed a special diet, could you tell me what it is? She said the nutritionist should have told my dad and his aide. I said, “ the aide has been feeding my father take-out food. She said that is not good to have daily, maybe once in awhile. He needs low salt, sugar, and fat, but needs high quality protein, vegetables and fruits. I said, “I know but they didn’t listen to me, can you write it down so I could go show them?" The doctor said she and the nurses did feel resistance from my father and the aide. Not sure why? She wrote it down and I took it to my dad and the aide. The aide said the dinner would come soon, why don’t you go see how special the food is and see if you could eat it. I waited outside of the meal room until all the orders had been picked up. Two didn’t show up so she delivered the food. Then I got a chance to talk to her, she said there’s a meal plan for my father but we decided not to order. The special meal was for diabetes patients. I said that I would ask my father to try the food. Do you have any extra meal I could buy? She said she always brought a few extras just in case. She and I went to my father’s room, I asked my father to try the rice to see if it was too dry and he said it was good. I asked him to try the special food tomorrow and he agreed. 

     The next day was raining, I went to Carrefour to buy a small food processor just in case my father could not chew the vegetables. Then I went back to the hospital to check how was the special food. My dad was happy and the doctor said she added two more vegetables after reviewing his case. Then the aide walked in and said the food was not impressive, she showed me some leftover vegetables. I said it looks good and healthy. She didn’t say anything. I also made some salmon chives, mushrooms, and tofu-stuffed pancakes for my dad, but he said to save them for the aide since she loves them. I said that I brought four to share with her as well.  My pancakes were spoiled and the maid returned them to me to throw away.  To make sure he continued his special food and repeat two more times because the aide repeated two times the special food was not good. My dad could not eat outside take-out food.  My father was upset and asking me if he needed to give me a medal award since I kept talking about the special meal. He tried a week and stopped. He told me he was not going to live that long, why bother, eat whatever he wanted to eat.  I gave it up too.

     The aide didn’t have any training to care for the patient, plus we all had trouble to understand her dialect; only my father could understand her. My brother said she went grocery shopping and refused to give my brother a receipt. Her cooking was high in salt and fat, she just could not change so my brother took over shopping and cooking for my parents. The aide just keeps my dad company, she wheels him out at 9 AM, and back at 11:30 for lunch. After lunch, she and my father went to the master bedroom to take a nap until 2:30. She wheels him out again if it is sunny. Every time, I called my dad, he said how much he was relying on his aide and how tired she was, sometimes she would sleep all day due to headaches. Her teeth hurt, my father paid her to go to a dentist, and paid her to see a doctor if she was sick. Her 80-year old mom is sick, my father gave her 1000 yuan to mail back home. She could also get prescription drugs in my father's company hospital, my brother said sometimes over 6000/month, all covered under my dad's insurance. Funny my mom could not since she has her own policy and her policy was not as good as my father.

     I kept reminding my dad that his favorite son is working night shifts and caring for them at the same time, I cannot say he was doing the aide’s job which would make my father angry. I just said he is older than his aide and he still smokes from his stress. He needs to care his son! 

     My sister came back a week earlier than me, I could not believe that my father asked her to clean the master bedroom’s bathroom since only the aide was using it. My father was using a potty. My sister didn’t complain and went to clean her bathroom and the other bathroom, and the kitchen, before my dad was admitted to the hospital. 

     I asked the physical therapist to see my father since he refused before. He was not friendly in the beginning, but the therapist was very patient. She explained why and how he lost his muscles and strength to the point he could not even get out of bed. She showed him how to exercise on his own with the aide's help, how to doing things on his own turn, since one of his back disks moved. She explained why he could not have the aide give him a massage. He needed to try to move around on his own, not lay in bed, or sit on the wheelchair all the time. She helped him left his legs and asked his aide how to help my father correctly since his aide had no training. 

     My sister and I tried to let the aide go, and find a trained one for my father, my brother did not think my father would let go and he was right. When I came back from the doctor's office, I saw my sister was kneeling at the end of my father's bed saying sorry to my father, my father said her sorry was not sincere.  The aide was facing the window crying, away from my sister, standing in front of my sister, next to my father's bed.  I asked my sister to get up, in my mind really wanted to drag the aide down to kneel in front of my dad. I said to my father, “you forgot your favorite baby girl (么妹)?  She just wanted to talk to you alone and get your attention.” My father said, “She and all of you tried to kick out my aide. You have no right.” I said, “dad you misunderstood, since the aide was so tired and could not sleep well, we wanted to help her and find another one to help her and give her a break. She has been with you 24/7 and she has her own husband, children, grandchildren, and a great grandchild to see.  Later on in my father's better mood, he said I should not go directly talking to his aide offering another aide. He said, "She was lying about getting up 7 or 8 times a night,  she was complaining how tired she was just hoping you could give her a "red envelope" with some American dollars."  I said, " I will not give her a penny, she is lucky that she is still here." My father said I am too Americanized and did not know how everything works in China.  Everyone around him wants money. 

     When the nurse came in to take his blood pressure, my father started to complain to the nurse. When the nurse asked his name, he showed her the name tag on his wrist. The nurse insisted that he answer the question but he refused. They are lazy and tried to have his aide do their job... I ended up following the nurse out apologizing and brought some chocolate to the nurses station the next day.

     My father expressed anger to me since I came home the least. He said, “ I praise you for bringing up 3 excellent sons including one resident doctor, one medical student, and one pharmacy student, but I am sorry that I cannot live long enough to see them again. Since you are here for only a very short visit, I imagine that you have to go to visit your uncles and aunt, so you would be hardly spending any time with me. I said, “ Dad, I am sorry that I can’t quit my job like my sister did and I can’t afford it. This trip, I am not going to Zigong to see my uncles and aunt, and I plan to visit you every day for my three weeks here. Then he said, “you should go to see your uncles and aunt and give them some money, we owe them too."  The truth was my grandmother, aunts, and uncles cared for me until I was almost 10 years old, and I did not have to do anything, not even know how to bread my long hair, which my grandma was doing it every morning before I went to school.  I went back to my parents and had to learn helping them watch my younger brother and sister, doing most house chores. I cried a lot and I wanted to go back to my grandma.  My grandma missed me as well and finally came to live with us and I did my best caring for her, she died a month before my College National Entry Exams.  I was with my parents less than 7 years before I went to college.  I finally understood my parents when I entered the work force, still swear to myself that I will care for my own kids. I do not have much emotional attachment to my parents like my sister who stayed with my parents until she was 26 years old when she got married. 

     The next day, I went to the hospital by myself, my dad, and the aide were complaining about my brother and my sister, how bad they took care of my mom. My mom lacked protein because they didn’t feed her meat. They both cooked terrible food. Only his aide could care for my mom the best!  My dad was trying to persuade me to keep his aide for my mom after him.  I did not object but also looked around myself. I found one in the hospital who came from my mom's hometown Neijing. I also introduced him to my brother. He said his younger sister would be the best choice for my mom.

     When I was visiting my dad in the hospital, my dad wanted to give his aide a break and have me to taste what his aide was doing.  He never asked once if I slept at night since the time difference between China and America. I could not sleep at night since it was daytime in America, it was my sleep time everyday when I visited him.  When the lunch was ready, my dad wanted me to help him move from the bed to the wheelchair, I was a little nervous so I asked the aide to help me. Especially in the bathroom, I don’t want to drop him.  I have to remind my dad that I was close to 60 years old, I had never done any of the aide's work before just like him. He never cared anyone in his life.  He said he just wanted me to feel what his aide was doing, respect her!

     My dad wanted me to share the food with them, he said he could not finish his meal anyway. The aide was feeding my dad; my dad wanted me to feed him so the aide could eat. The aide was trying to stop my dad but my dad insisted.  The doctor told me my father can eat on his own when she saw me feeding him.  I told her it was OK, he missed me.  After the lunch, my dad wanted the aide to take a nap, and asked me to wheel him out for a walk and he was nice to me. He showed me the hallway where "dead  people wheel down from here."  Since he talked about death, I asked him if he was really sure not to keep his ashes.  My mom already bought their place in Wenshu Yuan Monastery (文殊院) to store their ashes.  He said "your mom wanted to stay there."  I asked him if he wanted to join our family in the future since we have not buy our plots yet.  He said it would be too expensive for me, I said it would not be expensive to ship ashes.  My mom and my brother could join us too in the future, do not worry about money, you have 3 grandsons and they will have money to pay back your care to them in America. After talking to my dad, he did not say anything about his hometown where his parents and sister are buried; he did not want to go back, not even his ashes.  It really made me think that my father was really fighting for his own battles, all he believed was his aide cared for him. I later apologized to the aide and told her experience was better than trained certification.  She then told me another lie, she had helped over 20 patients, she told my bother 8. There is no way to check but we knew at least one patient for sure.

     I left before dinner, I took the new subway back home as I came in the morning, it came every 2 minutes for less than $1. My brother said my dad’s nose was bleeding again, he was going to deliver the special self-absorbent cotton pads. The doctor was waiting for these special cotton pads. It required storage in the cooler. Cost over 500 yuan a piece and my dad’s insurance does not cover them. I said that I would go with him so he could drop me off and I could deliver it faster while he parks his car in the underground parking garage. It is an hour each way. 

     When I got there, I could see the aide was helping my dad, no doctor or nurse, the doctor waited for a half hour and left. I went to the doctor’s office, one of the doctors called and told me to go back to my dad. I came back and started to hold my dad’s nose to stop the bleeding and the bleeding slowed down a lot. The doctor finally came and forced the special cotton into his nose and made his nose bigger. My brother and I went back late and my sister and my mom waited for us for dinner. I went to bed right after. 

     The next morning I went back to the hospital, my dad said his nose was bleeding again but he and his aide managed. He coughed up a big black piece. The aide was poking it and it was really hard. I said, “did you save it for the doctor?.” No, they didn’t think the doctor was interested. My dad was dizzy in the morning, I noticed his little package of pills from last night still sitting there, the aide said my father refused to take them. But she already gave my father pills from home for dizziness. I was upset since she said that she knew my dad better than the doctor. Also, I don’t think she measured how my father’s water intake and urine output; she reported to the nurse the same numbers every day. The nurse just comes in to scan my dad’s code on time, put the old-fashioned thermometer under my dad’s arm, often doesn’t come back for an hour until he forgot and lost the thermometer and ended up looking all over for it. Sometimes even the blood pressure was checked by the aide. The scale is outside in the hallway, the nurse came in asking what is his weight.  My father could not stand up on the scale so he could not weigh himself.  To get my father's weight, the aide had to push my dad's wheelchair upstairs by elevator, there was a weight station there, put the wheelchair and my father on it, then minus the wheelchair weight.  The aide did not want to do it often so she was given the same number to the nurse.  The cleaner was cutting corners and I had to chase him down to ask him to come back to finish his job. No wonder my dad is complaining!

     My dad told me that his next door neighbor Muslim Ma passed away, his wife sold their home and moved away. He missed them, both good times and bad times, they worked together all their life. He was always above my dad, since he was a communist party secretary, this position is always higher than directors.  He made sure my dad never passed him except he died first.

     When my dad just finished college working under him in the field, my dad often introduced him to the local agencies. They respect the leader, after initial handshake, the leader was left alone. My father was very popular and blended in anywhere he goes. Life was hard back then, not much meat to eat, once a month was lucky in the field. As a Muslim, he and his family received special coupons for beef and lamb, so they ate more meat in general so they got more from the government. His wife was Han so she got pork coupons too.  We as majority Han didn’t get any beef or lamb.  The pork coupons we received were fewer.  In the field, there were not many places to have beef or lamb. The cow is the farmer's family member. Most Han does not like lamb, which means he would not have any meat at all. It could be months at a time doing fieldwork. So my dad was thinking to do him a favor. He told the kitchen staff to hide the pork and vegetables under his rice, topped with more vegetables. Ma ate all of his meal, my dad was very happy to see that he ate the whole thing and asked him if everything was good. He said very good. Then my father said, “let me wash your dishes.” Ma said “no no, I wash my own dishes. I don’t want the locals thinking I am abusing my power.” My father smiled and thought about the real reason. The pork dish was very greasy, while a vegetable dish is not. He didn’t want anyone to see he ate pork. He didn’t know my father was the one who arranged the whole thing. My dad didn’t stop there, he switched the beef and pork on the cutting boards for one of the holiday meals. That put him in very very hot water! Ma was so upset, my father watched him clean the cutting board over and over again with boiling water. Even today, my father didn’t think it was a big deal. The way he washed the board showed his disrespect for the pork eaters. He felt offended. Ma gave my father trouble ever since as if my father never grew up, always a naughty boy. Since they were our neighbors, my father asked his children if they ate pork. His children said yes, of course, we eat pork.  
     Two weeks went by very fast, we were still waiting for my father's options.  The ear, nose, and throat department finally were going to discuss my father's case, I confirmed with my father's doctor that I would join them and I had to be there around 7:30 AM the next day.  I took a taxi there since the subway does not start till 6 AM and I needed 1 hour to get there.  When my father's doctor took me to the ear, nose, and throat department at 8 AM, I was told to wait outside with other family members in the hallway. No chairs were out there for a hour.  I did not see anyone except my father's doctor who came out, she said "we will have to wait for the anesthesiologist to see if it is safe to do the surgery."  Later on that day, a young anesthesiologist came to ask some questions to my father and left.  The next day, the same results came out just like August before the biopsy was done, high risk, let the patient and his family decide.  Back in August, my father was stronger, the cancer was too small to see, now the cancer grew out of his nose.  Of course, we decided not to go through the surgery and signed a paper.
     We were hoping the Oncology could step in earlier, but it had to be after we rejected the surgery first. My brother went ahead and spent over 300 yuan to book a first-class Oncologist in the International section of the hospital to see my father on December 3.  Since the doctor did not want to see my father in person, we did not wheel my father there, just brought the biopsy result and CT scan films to see him. When we went inside, the old Oncologist had two younger assistants with him, he looked at the film and said we needed two more tests, BRAF V600E and C-KIT Exon 17, about 2 minutes.  Results will come in two weeks.
     The next day, my father's doctor told us that the Oncologists would discuss my father's case the next morning and get my father ready at 7:30 AM.  I asked again to make sure they were going to see my father, she said she also asked the same question and they told her yes.  My brother drove me there the next day and the aide already put my father on a wheelchair ready to go, from 14th floor, down to the 6th floor. It was breakfast time there, so the hallway was crowded with people passing by to get their food. Again, we waited outside for a hour. When our doctor came out, she said we needed to do a PET scan.  The next day, I went to the hospital, my father's doctor ordered three more tests BRAF V600K, CKIT 9,11 and NRAS.  The results came back that there were no mutations so the target treatment was not suitable for my dad.  We also rejected the radiation for melanoma due to the risks.
     I came back to the USA already before my dad found a suitable treatment. Immunotherapy was considered last and my dad went through more tests, but he got another lung infection, so everything stopped after that. The doctors recommended palliative care since my dad was too weak and he did not have much time left.
     My sister cancelled her return ticket and she decided to stay there to keep my dad company.  She and my brother also were looking for an aide for my mom. The interviews were set up after the Chinese New Year, but the Coronavirus stopped the whole thing, Wuhan locked down first, the whole country locked down as well. Stay home unless you have to go out.
     My father was not doing well, his blood pressure was dropping, so his high blood pressure drug stopped. His nose was still bleeding regularly so he was having anemia. His vital signs were not good. He also started to experience pain, he closed his eyes since they were hurting, he could not eat solid food anymore. He slept most at daytime, not at night. he was calling my mom. The doctor agreed that my sister could also stay by my father's bedside along with the aide at night, so she did not have to come and go daily in fear of bringing Coronavius inside of the inpatient hospital. 
     My brother was able to bring my mom over to see my dad on the day before my dad died, my mom was not able to understand what was going on, my dad's eyes moved a little bit. The next morning around 4 AM, my dad stopped breathing. It was March 1st there, still 4 PM Feb 29th here, when my brother called me. I was able to video chat with him while he was cleaning my dad's room since my dad had been there since last November and accumulated a lot in the closet.
     My sister already took my dad away to a private memorial place, she did not want anyone to touch my father, not even change his clothes. She said it has to be after 36 hours. She wanted to stay with my father and pray for 3 days and 3 nights, helping my father get to Heaven.  Since the Coronavirus shut down, no gathering was allowed so she could not invite Buddhists over.  My brother tried to ask her to go home with him but failed. I was very concerned since the place locked down at 9 PM, no one would be there, not even a security guard.   There are other bodies in the other rooms next to my father's room. She turned off her phone as well.

     

     It was more surreal to me that my father was gone since I was not there. I dreamed about him before he died -- he was in bed holding a baby and playing with the baby happily.  My mom threw a blue towel over to my sister.  I was not interacting with them, only like a bystander watching over them.  I was very emotional at noon on my walk, I was alone walking, I looked up at the sky and I felt for my dad, I really felt him above me.  I started to cry while I was walking.  I did not dream about my dad, but dreamed that I went back to the old apartment building when I was still in high school.  I saw my mom was cleaning and organizing. I went over and saw they actually kept some of my things, which was shocking to me.  Then I drove my mom because my mom wanted to give away my dad's clothes, I did not know the people, but saw two more nice pants so I walked out of the car and added them to the pile. I then dreamed that I was climbing a hill, on the top, it was flat and a lot of kids were playing soccer, or just fooling around.  I walked around waiting for my sons, I also noticed some pretty mushrooms on the cliff.  I started to worry about my sons so I walked back looking downhill, I saw a group of kids fooling around while climbing, one girl fell off backward.  I was trying to call my son, but I forgot my cell phone at home, so I was able to borrow one from another mom, but I did not remember my son's number.  I had to give up -- all a dream.
     I was considering booking a flight back to visit, but no flights were available until the end of March.  It will also depend on how the Coronvirus spreads in the US.  My father was cremated the 3rd day and he wanted his ashes scattered. My brother was suggesting to keep part but scatter some of the ashes. My sister wants to keep him and my mom together in the Wenshu Monastery.  My mom's younger sister's husband's ashes are already there. They bought the places a long time ago. But only keep the ashes for 70 years like the rest of the properties in China and expires in 70 years.  My brother stored my dad's ashes next to the crematory right now before we make any decision.

Wenshu Monastery (文殊院) - Chengdu, Sichuan, China.

     My brother said he would let the aide stay to take care of my mom, she agreed to a pay cut to one-half since my mom could still walk and eat by herself.  She could also help with some simple tasks such as cleaning vegetables, remove peas from peapods.  My mom is going to be 89 this March and she is like a little kid again. Although my mom did not like her, tried her best to kick her out, she was not a stranger to her or us. We do not know how she was going to react to a new stranger. Not to mention it was my dad's dying wish that we keep her for my mom. My dad wanted us to keep her employed. My brother did install surveillance cameras just in case.

     I went back to my blog to read My Father's Roots.  I enjoyed listening to the songs my father use to sing, sadly I have never stepped into my father's hometown Yahozhou (耀县) or his birth place Shanyang (山阳县).  Not sure when since I only have 3 weeks vacation and I need to spend the time with my mom, my 93 year old uncle and 91 year aunt.  They do not have much time left.  I am also grateful to my husband's understanding my situation that I could not be with him or his aging parents. Fortunately, my oldest son Jonathan chose to stay close to his grandparents for his 3-year residency after he finished his medical school.  He could go visit them on the weekends and holidays.

My Mom Has Dementia

"Even slightly elevated blood pressure increases dementia risk. The link between dementia risk and hypertension is well established." My mom's blood pressure was never fully controlled, because she did not believe the one little pill could control her high blood pressure.  Instead, she was spending all her monthly pension and life savings (over 300,000 yuan) on those direct scams, the ones who treated her like a queen but emptied her bank account. Not only we noticed her memory slowed down, the neighbors also noticed her odd movements.  They saw her wandering in the yard or outside for hours, not sure what she was doing. However, she managed to get to her younger sister's place last year.  Her nephew was surprised and eventually sent her home.  It was the last time she was able to travel that far by herself. 

     She failed to kick out my father's favorite aide.  She tried to leave home but had no place to go. She refused to go to see a doctor to confirm that she has dementia. If it was true, she would lose control of her own pension. She cashed her pension monthly and she hid her money in her room and refused anyone to get into her room.

     Her world soon crashed when she broke her hip early this year; she ended up having surgery and stayed in the hospital.  She was completely lost there.  My father went to the hospital to see her.  He told me that she did not look or talk to him and it really broke his heart.  But she had tears in her eyes. That was the turning point for her; she gave up on my father and her dementia took over her. This was actually good news; her blood pressure returned to normal and she finally was able to sleep at night. 
     My father on the other hand found a new hope from this young aide who stayed with him 24/7, so his pension ended up paying her. Her last name is Shen (神姓) , which literally means "god." He told me that he was lucky to have her. At age 52, she has 3 children and a few grandchildren already; all her kids are gone from their hometown. They bought their own homes in Chengdu. The migrant workers are the fresh blood of the city; only her husband stayed behind at the farm. The One Child policy never applied to them in the far away mountain region of Guangyuan, bordering Sichuan and my father's hometown Shaanxi. Historically, Guangyuan belonged to Shaanxi due to the strategic location, the Jianmen Pass(剑门关) . Today, the Chinese government offers the remote regional people 30,000 yuan to have an extra child; however, the new generation refuses just like the city people. The kids are too expensive too them.  

Jianmen Pass      

     Every time, I talked with my father on the phone, he cared more about this aide.  He complained about my mom who still could not accept the aide and hit her every time she was trying to help her. The oil company covered free annual physical checkups for aides.  My father paid all her other medical and dental expenses; he also gave her money when her son got married, and when her grandson was born, etc. 
     My brother has been working the night shift in order to get 2 days off, so he could stay home one half month each month to care for my mom. My mom now only listens to my brother.  My brother seems very happy to take care of my mom, who is like a little kid now. My brother talks more at home and talks about my mom's silly things.
    When my sister and I decided to go visit home in November, my dad's first thought was to give the aide a break so that she could go home. But she refused, she wanted to go back home for the Chinese New Year. I was hoping that we could give my brother a break.  My brother has been shopping, cooking, and caring my mother ever since he came back home in February this year.  The aide only cooks when he is not home, which is half a month each month. I have to remind my father that my brother is much older than the aide, that he has a full time job, and that he still smokes.  My biggest fear is about my brother who has no life of his own. He works, then he is home with my parents. 
     When my brother came to pick me up at the airport, it was 2 AM, and then a week later, he picked up my sister around the same time. He dropped her off and went back to work.  He talked about taking my mom out to get new glasses. No matter how hard they tried, my mom was not able to cooperate. I laughed and did not believe he actually tried. He tricks my mom and plays with her, whatever makes my mom smile. He also has to fight with my mom when she does not listen to him, my mom would hit him instead.  The aide said when my mom hit her son, she was very gentle, but hit her very hard. I could see my brother lost weight since the last time I saw him. The aide told me that he even smoked at home with windows open, that shocked me since I never saw him smoke at home.
     I was afraid that my mom would not recognize me and wanted to kick me out, as she did to my sister's two kids in the summer. To my surprise, she was very nice to me. She wanted me to eat her breakfast, she kept getting up from her sofa, walking wobbly to get different kinds of fruits and snacks to me.  Shen then took off her bracelet and insisted to put on my hand. I said no, you keep it, she showed me her other hand, and yes, she had another one. So I put it on. 

     My father told me that she refused to eat vegetables and easily became constipated, so I brought some fiber gummy bears and Dulcolax pills just in case. Since she has a sweet tooth now, I also bought probiotic gummy bears, chocolate calcium chews, and some chocolates. Also a big box of Ensure.  She took all the sweets and I spoon fed her a half bottle of Ensure, she loved them all. 
     After her nap, I decided to take her outside to get some sunshine; my brother said she could only walk to the front gate. When we reach the gate, she kept walking so I let her.  There was a fruit vendor outside; she was checking her pockets try to find money but failed. So she turned to me, "they took all my money away, do you have any?".  I told her that I did not bring any money. We kept walking; a vegetable vendor was very patient and I told him that we did not have any money.  He said "no worry, you could just scan this barcode." That really made me feel very bad, since I do not have a cell phone account to just scan and pay. Talking about how much behind I am, even behind a farmer.
     We kept walking and stopped at the gate of the Hospital. There was a dozen stairs up to the front door, she decided to go up, I held one of her arms. After we reached the front door, we sat on the bench to rest. A few people passing by recognized my mom and stopped to say hi and asked how everyone was doing.  At the same time, I did notice an aide pushing a noisy man in a wheelchair going upstairs.  After that, my mom said "you could just sit here and wait for me; I am going upstairs to see one of my colleagues". I insisted to go with her,  she let me, so we took the elevator up to the 5th floor. She seemed to know where to go, we walked towards the old man who was noisy downstairs. The aide was washing his feet, seeing us approach, she said to him, "sing the songs now, sing." He listened, he started to sing slowly and tried to catch his breath at the same time. One was a Red song for Chairman Mao, and the other was Tian Xian Pei ( 天仙配). We walked by him and looked into the kitchen at the end of the hall, no one was inside. We then walked back towards the man, and now I knew she was looking for the man's wife.  They used to buy nutritional supplements from direct sales together. I asked the aide when his wife was coming back and she said not till 9 PM. We stood in front of the 90 years old man; I asked my mom if she recognized the man, the powerful Communist party secretary Ma, a Chinese Muslim. She looked at him and said no, he was not the man. The man did not really looked at us, he was in his own world. We then walked towards the elevator.  When we got close, my mom said, "do you want to use the bathroom?, there is one at the end of the hall and turn left."   I didn't really want to go but wanted to see whether she was right or not.  I asked her to sit at the bench across from the elevator and wait for me. She was right, there was a bathroom there. 
     When we finally got downstairs and walked to the front door again, I pointed to the left ramp for cars, and said, "let's walk down that way, it is easier".  She refused, she wanted to walk down the stairs. I was nervously holding one of her arms and let her other hand hold the railing and slowly go down the stairs. She did it so we started walking back to the gate. When we arrived at the gate, my brother was waiting there with her wheelchair, "where have you been? it is dinner time."  "Do you want to sit down on the wheelchair?," I asked.  She did not reply but kept walking. My brother was shocked that she walked that far and actually talked with sentences.  He was asking if it was the Ensure - for Strength & Energy on the box,  later on I found out we had Ensure powder at home, only my father was drinking it and my mom refused to drink it prepared by the aide.
     The next thing, my brother and the aide wanted my help to let my mom take a shower. She would not let anyone take off her clothes. She had a shower when my sister was home back in August. So the three of us tried to take off her clothes first, and she started to fight back, scratching the aide really hard so my brother asked the aide to leave her alone and go away. Finally my brother and I were able to take off most of her clothes, I walked her into the shower with her underwear. When I turned the shower on and the water got on her body, she became very happy and started washing herself.  I put shampoo on her head, she was washing her hair, putting soap on her body, and she was washing like a normal adult. Then she noticed that I was wet, she said "you are wet, why do you take a shower too". I said "after you."  She must have taken this shower for over an hour, then finally she was done.  I started to dress her up with her all red clothes, her face glowed with rosy cheeks. I told her that she looked like a pretty bride, and who did she want to marry?  She smiled and was really happy.
     The aide showed me her new gold wedding ring; she spent over 300 more to make it bigger and brighter. She also bought another red stone ring and suggested me to get one since it was a promotion sale, really cheap. I decided to take my mom with me, pushing her in her wheelchair. The aide led the way as we walked into the French Carrefour Mall. My mom's eyes were sparkling, looking all around like a little princess. When we finally reach the store, I decided to buy two, one for my mom and one for me. My mom was so happy to see this red stone ring, the Chinese called it pomegranate red stone. When we got back home, my mom was playing with the ring, sometimes putting the ring on different fingers, sometimes using her magnifying glass to look at the stone.
     I was sleeping with her on her double bed at night; she closed her bedroom door and kept her nightstand light on.  Every now and then in the middle of the night, she got up and turned on the 5 petal ceiling lights, she stared at the lights and told me the same story that someone broke the lights, the repairman came and did not do a good job.  She pointed out the imperfections. She gets up 2 times at night to use her potty. I jumped out of bed to make sure she pulled down her pants low enough so she did not wet her pants. Sometimes she opened the door and looked out, and she said, "it is still dark." She then came back to bed to sleep. Other times, she walked out of her room to the living room in the dark, she knew exactly where the light switch was and turned the lights on.  Then she sat down on her spot on the sofa, read and snacked as if it was daytime. We had to get her back to bed by turning off the lights. Sometimes it worked, and other times, it did not. In the day time, if we give her something to do, such as cleaning the vegetables, the less likely she would fall asleep on the sofa. If she sleeps less in the daytime, she will sleep better at night.

     I was thinking about taking my mom to Zigong to see her 92 years old brother.  She said that she did not think anyone was left in Zigong.  I showed her older brother's photos, she was still not convinced. She does remember her parents. So I ended up going there by myself, something I need to do every time I go back to visit China. After all, I spent my first 9 years with them, 7 years with my parents. My aunt is turning 90 next year and she does not want to celebrate.  Just like my mom, she broke her hip when she was 87 years old. Only her mind is very sharp and she walks much better than my mom. She said "Playing Mahjong daily keeps my mind sharp so I do not lose too much money".  If she lost too much, she will stop playing for a while. I gave her 2000 yuan so she has extra money to lose. My uncle slowed down a lot, his mind is better than my mom's. 

My mom still remembered her dad who died in 1968

My mom remembered her mom who died in 1978

     When I came back from Zigong, my sister was sleeping next to my mom, I slept in on the sofa in the living room. One night, my mom came out and turned on the light.  She noticed me and I got up trying to send her back to her room. She looked at my sister in her bed, said to me "there is someone here already, you could sleep outside then. Do you have a potty outside?".  I said "yes."  She said "make sure pull your pants down really low so you do not wet your pants."  I said "OK." She forgot that she always fights when we were trying to change her wet pants.  I had to let her hand feel the wetness in order to help her change. Now she had a clear mind for the moment. 

     One night when the aide was out, my father gathered all of us.  He was telling us that he wants to donate his body to Huaxi Medical since he had 11 kinds of problems. It might be helpful to medical students and researchers to study and figure it out.  He said that if any of us object, his wish could not come true.  I said that I respected his decision but wanted to know more details, including what happens after they finish. He checked into Huaxi Medical again for a short stay. The aide stayed with him in the hospital. 

     The night before I came back to America, my brother took all of us out for dinner.  When the first dish came, my mom was using her chopsticks and picking out the food on her own.  That was a big surprise, she had been using a spoon and a lot of times, I had to help feed her. She was really enjoying eating out.  She kept taking more food into her dish and she ate a good amount. My sister said that she had to take her out to eat more since she enjoyed it so much.

     I was taking the first flight out to Beijing, I planned to leave at 5 AM.  My mom got up at 4 AM this morning, as if she knew I was leaving. She sat on her sofa with a unhappy face.  I told her that I would come back next year to see her again, to be good and listen to my brother. She was silent. 

Care for My Aging Parents

Over 30 years ago when my brother wanted to come to the USA for graduate study, my father stopped him from coming.  My father wrote me a letter and also told my brother that he needed to stay in China. Since then my parents have been trying very hard to get my brother married, one girl waited for him for over 3 years and my parents had already treated her as their daughter in law, but still they failed.  He is still single today. He has been assigned to many places for work except for his hometown where he could stay with my parents. My parents wait for him to come home for a few days short stay, then they wait for the next time; they love to feed him, make his bed, and do his laundry. My brother has always been very quiet; still the biggest pain for my father was since he is his only son that he did give him any grandson.  They also worry about who is going to take care of my brother when they are not around any longer. My parents lived among their coworkers all their life; they know each of their neighbors. My brother has always lived with my parents whenever he came home; his own place has been empty since he brought it over 30 years ago.
     My parents came to the US  in the 90s when my youngest son was 2.5 years old and they helped me restart my career.  I have been working full time ever since. When they returned to China without coming back, I was worried.  I kept calling them to come back, they could stay with me, or with my sister but they prefer to stay in their own home, waiting for my brother to come home.  I did raise the question who would take care of them when they need help, they told me they will hire a helper. The only thing I could do was call them on the phone regularly to check on them, and skype when my brother or sister is around.  It has been more and more difficult for them to take care of themselves in recent years. My sister and her kids have tried to stay with them every summer and my brother tries to come home every other weekend.
     My brother asked his company to move him back to his hometown so he could take care of his aging parents. Just he has not received any notice yet. My father told him not to be picky since all the good positions might already been filled. I felt for my poor brother, over 50, he was asking his company to move him back to take care of our aging parents. I was more worried he might lose his job and his job seemed to be the most important thing in his life. To my surprise, his company actually considered his request, and is working on it for him.
     My father is 84 and has a lot more problems health-wise; he has a good mind but not good hands and feet.  He could not even button his clothes on a bad day. My mom is 86 and is in good health except for high blood pressure.  She does not believe in real doctors but instead falls for the salesmen who have sold her health pills ever since they left the US.  She spent not only all her monthly pension and savings, plus my father's.  My father thought he had more pension than my mom and my mom has a big family in Sichuan.  He put his money into her bank account, but he kept all of their saving books.  One day, he noticed that my mom's saving books were gone, then her CDs. He asked my mom, and my mom said it was her money. Very soon, she spent it all.  No one knows where all that money went.
     My mom's blood pressures has never been under control, she only takes her blood pressure pills when she really is not feeling good and her blood pressure is high, sometimes 190. Every time I talk to my mom, she will read to me from the newsletters or books about all the health pills she bought; they cure and prevent everything. In the beginning, she had trouble to read, sometimes I had to wait a minute or two, sometimes she almost gave it up.  Then she picked it up again, read much better and more fluent. She could read an hour at a time, I just listen.
     When she is not home, I talked to my father, he complained about my mom. Phone calls are all hers. Sometimes she is gone before he even gets up in the morning.  She never tells him where she was going, or when she is coming home. When he cooks her lunch she failed to come home, when he did not cook her lunch, she shows up for lunch. I asked my mom to leave a note for my father, but she never listens to me. I asked my father to ask my mom to pay her share of the expenses; my father said it would make him look bad so he did not want to do that.
     Two years ago, my mom asked her 88 years old brother in Zigong to come to Chengdu to check his eyes; her brother took a 3-hours bus trip to come to my city. The diagnosis was the same, he had cataracts. On the way back, my father told me that he was carrying all the goodies bags that my mom packed for her brother. My mom held her brother's hand, walking ahead of him. He felt like he was a bag carrier. To make sure her brother could arrive at his city safely. he bought two tickets, accompanied him back to his city and back the same day. He came back around 9 PM, exhausted and hungry.  My mom did not leave him any food so he was upset, my mom said he should have eaten a long time ago since it was way past dinner time.  My father ended up eating instant noodles instead. Still my father would never complain when my mom was around.
     My sister and her kids went back to visit them more in the summers, and returned to the US by the end of August for school. Early September last year, right after they came back from China, a close friend of ours called her and told her what she saw about my mom. She said that on a 90-degrees hot day, my mom was outside the gate waiting for her delivery for over 1 hour. When she received it, the box was broken, and it was a magnet bracelet. She saw the price and was so shocked that she called the police. She showed my mom on the computer, it worth a few yuan to 300 yuan at the most, but my mom paid over 3000 yuan. The policeman did show up but could not do anything about it.
     We have treated this friend as a family member, her husband was matched by my mom many years ago. My parents treated their daughter as their own granddaughter. My brother also showered her with many gifts. Anything good we have, always give them some. Her husband was good as a nature healer, only without license but it is FREE, he prescribed countless herb remedies and acupuncture for my parents. They have been a great help for my parents.
     My sister decided to go back to China again, I told her no since she just got back with her kids. She had not done a thing all those years about my mom's buying and spending. No one could stop her, after all it is her money.  My dad told my sister no, not to go back. She did not listen, she flew back again. My father's hands and feet have been numb for about a year, he tried everything from massages, acupuncture and some medicine but not getting better, and getting worse. His hands and feet started to get swollen and hurt.  Since my sister is back again, my father checked himself into our best hospital in the city. Huaxi Hospital, ranked 2nd for seven consecutive years, consists of 4300 beds, 36 clinical departments, and 15 medical practice departments. Over 6000 people work here, including 550 doctors and associate professors. More than 30 programs have been started through cooperation with the USA, Canada, Denmark, Japan, and Sweden.
    My sister took my mom's cell phone away, changed our home number and followed her everywhere.  My mom would not talk to her and me since my sister was back.  She also refused to take the new blood pressure pills my sister picked up for her after seeing the doctor near the gate in the Oil Company Hospital. Why? because she read all the papers along with the pills, which include side affects and warnings. All the health pills she bought from the direct marketing people never listed anything bad, only good. She was not used to reading bad news. My sister agreed with her so she cooked herb remedies from our friend who was a natural healer, so her blood pressure was high again. My father was in the hospital told us that she would take blood pressure pill when she does not feel good, of course, my father kept all papers so she never read about the side affects or warnings.
     My father made an appointment for my mom since he was in the hospital but my mom refused to go. I ended up Skype with my sister asking her to pointing the camera towards my mom, she looked awful and confused as if her sky was falling.  I called her and she would not even acknowledge me. My sister and I started crying, I told her to go to the hospital to find my father.  My father was looking for her.  I even tried to ask my sister to find those sale's people out there since they seems to make my mom happy. My sister said she did not know any of them, no one approached my mom since she came home. I could see my mom crashing down fast, she was used to people out there treated her like a queen, but emptied all her bank accounts. While we did not know what to do, my sister said my mom was packing things for our dad.  She was going to the hospital.  The doctor prescribed her 2 kinds of pills to lower her blood pressure, one from Germany, slow release. I could tell the improvement every week Skype with my sister, still my mom refused to talk to me as if it was all my fault. She was also complaining I talk to my sister too much, wasting money.
     One morning I could see my sister was eating her breakfast, my mom was sitting next to her eating as well.  All of the sudden my mom standing up and walk away from the table leaving her unfinished breakfast.  My sister tried to stop her, she said " I need to get your brother's egg ready, he is getting up".  My sister said "he is not up yet, finish your breakfast first, it will get cold." My mom would not listen so my sister stopped her breakfast as well, following my mom to get my brother's egg ready. When they just about finish, I could hear my brother's door opened, he was up. My sister and I was amazed that my mom's mind was so clear when it was about my brother. To my parents, my brother has always been the most important person as long as I could remembered, it never changed.  My sister and I are used to this.
    I decided to go back to visit China by the end of the year with 2 tasks, one was to get a home aide for my parents, the second was to get my sister back to the USA as her husband requested, to help her two kids, one freshman in high school and one freshman in middle school.  My sister's husband had high hopes on me since I was the oldest.  He told me that he was not in the position to tell my sister to come home since she was taking care of her parents.  I told him that I would try but not get his hopes up since I had no power over them. Very soon it proves that I was right.

     My brother picked me up at the airport at midnight, he even gave up his bedroom for me. My father got up and greeted me and gave me a big hug, so hard and so long. My mom did not get up. My brother slept in a little bed next to my dad's full size bed over night, then left the next day.  I could not sleep at night since it was day time in America. The next day, my mom showed me the Chinese Newspaper report about American gun violence, how many people died a year.  I told her I know but it only happens in bad neighborhoods, asking her to not worry.  She then showed me the bad news about Trump, I told her do not worry, the American president does not have that much power. He has only 4 years, my father said that is why we call them leaders 领袖 in Chinese ( which means collar and sleeve), it is easy to get dirty. My mom's face became bitter, her smiles were gone.  She kept to herself most of the time, I could not get close to her.  She is little better with my sister, my sister said it was her few months of hard work.  She also showed her all the bad news from Taiwan. With her ways, she worried about her two daughters away from home.
     After lunch I went to bed. Around 3 pm, my dad opened my door and woke me up, I really did not want to get up. He said if I kept sleeping I would not be able to sleep at night. He wanted me to go out with him to get some steam buns for tomorrow's breakfast. Down stairs, every step of the way, we met someone.  I do not know them, my father would proudly tell them I was his oldest daughter. We ended up sitting down at a pavilion in the garden.  One old lady I knew, she was one of my childhood girlfriend's mom in the courtyard.  Mrs Zhang, her husband has left her for some years.  She was so happy to see me, she held my hands sitting next to me. Taking me away from the rest of the old ladies who also wanted talk to me.  She still remembered me as a role model for all other kids when I was in the courtyard. I used to help cooking, hand washing all family laundry... She told me she has a companion living with her now, suggested that my parents also needed one. I agreed with her, she then said she knew one.  My father got the phone number and told her he would consider her. 20 minute trip took us over 2 hours.  It was dinner time when we got back home.
     My sister knew where to get the best things. We went to outdoor markets for fresh vegetables, tofu daily after their Buddhist morning prayers and after my cleaning pots and pans in the kitchen. She rarely bought meat since she is a vegan, but would buy cooked meats for us sometimes. Each trip, she would buy some dog food for the homeless dogs. On the way back, she would scatter some here and there. She told me that she was not the only one feeding them, she saw other people leaving dog food out.  Even the vendors who sell food in the markets, they also fed homeless dogs.  I did notice some dirty dogs around, not sure if they are homeless.  She said they are, otherwise they are clean and have their owners nearby. She also told me that there are a lot of homeless cats, she think they should be able to find rats around.  I was shocked to know there are so many homeless dogs around. I thought that Chinese people eat dogs and cats, so why are there so many? I know American SPCA also rescues pets off the streets, encourage citizens to adopt them.  For the ones no one wants, death by injection. I was shocked to see so many homeless dogs in my neighborhood and so many people feed them. I am more worried about rabies. Each year, ASPCA in USA, approximately 1.5 million shelter animals are euthanized (670,000 dogs and 860,000 cats).

Skinny Chinese Santa Claus

     My father was trying to tell me his problems on the phone before I got back to China. I told him to wait until I come; he  showed me his reports from Huaxi medical. Listed 9 problems, plus the list of the medicines he took.  I took a photo and sent it to Mr Wu who is a retired pharmacist. They were my parents friends when they lived with me in the USA.  His wife took care of my youngest son after my parents went back to China. Their daughters are living faraway from them and I am close by so I take them shopping whenever they need. They treated me like one of their daughters only without emotional attachment. Mr Wu replied right away, he was concerned about that many pills my father took.  So he suggested after my father finished this prescription, he should go back to his doctor to see if some symptoms have gotten better so maybe some of the pills could be stopped. I thought it was a good idea since my father already refilled everything once.  In China, all the prescription drugs are for sale in any drug store as long as you know what you need.  You do not need a prescription to buy any prescription drug. My father was not happy to hear what Mr Wu had to say, he said he was not a doctor, only following the doctor's order. You too, only study trees, know nothing about medicine. I told him I could accompany him back to the Huaxi to see his doctor.  He said his doctor told him he could refill his medicine and he did not want to go to see doctor.
     For the next few days, my father talked to me a lot but not my mother, she seemed to be estranged with me, not like me talk or doing anything.  She seemed to not know me at all, she was with my sister.  My father said my mom would not say hi back to their colleagues anymore, she tried to avoid them all.  Might have been she was trying to convince others to buy those health pills, she even tried to give them away when she learned a colleague was dying in the hospital. Of course, she received rejections.  She truly believed those pills could save them.  My sister said once they went to the bank to cash her monthly pension, she pays everything with cash like most Chinese.  The young teller was coughing, she insisted to bring him a box of health pills for free (cost her 700 yuan) the next day.  The young teller literally ran away from her and told her he was better now.  The direct sale in China is illegal, but they are everywhere preying on the seniors. They have newsletters, books and my mom treats them like a bible and she believes that the pills she brought from them are all good, nothing bad. Her blood pressure pills from the real hospital include side effects and warnings that she believes could all happen to her.
     As for a care giver, my father was thinking about her younger sister's baby son, who had a son then a daughter before China allowed a second child. He was fined 10,000 yuan to have the daughter, every time the collector came to collect money, he said he had no money, could not even afford to raise this daughter, so his daughter was free to take. He even prepared the extra clothes and diapers for the collector.  The collector left unhappy each time.  Soon the government police changed, his daughter became legal and no more fines.  She just turned 3 years old and her parents were happy to have her over their 18 years old teenage son.  My father was thinking about this girl's mom, since her husband had gone out working as a migrant worker all over China, never was home anyway.  Her older son turned 18 and was out working as a migrant worker as well, she and her 3 year old could come to take care of my parents.  My father also thought about my brother, he was thinking about adopting a girl from the northern farm for my brother, at least two of his cousins adopted abandoned girls, two of them were grown up and married with kids already.  He was thinking the same mother could take care of her 3 years old and my brother's adopted daughter together so my brother would not be alone when he is old, he would have a descendant.  Of course, my brother had to agree on this.
    I told my father this adopted baby would not work. The adopted girl will certainly following the 3 years old calling her mom.  When they leave, the girl will follow her mom as well.  She will love the care giver more than my brother.  Not to mention China still a very traditional family center. My brother needs to have a family first before adopting any kid.  Not to mention with two kids, how was she going to take care of my parents, not to mention any medical bills since they are not city residents without any insurance. He thought about this for a day, my mom completely rejected the whole idea.
    I was also planning to go to Zigong by myself to see my uncle, where I spent the first 9 years of my life with my grandma.  A day before my trip, one of my father's cousin and his 36 year old son was coming the next day.  My sister and my father thought I should take my mom with me since she does not like northern farmers. 8 AM the next morning, the father and son came and it was the first time for all of us see his 36 years old son, my father only met his father since his son was out as a migrant worker; it was the first time for my sister and I to see both of them. After lunch, my father suggested that my mom, my sister and I all go to Zigong to my uncle's. All three of their northerners could enjoy themselves. Our cousins told us again and again they would take good care of my father.
     We arrived Zigong around 5:30 PM. Our uncle already booked the Bean Spout Hot Pot restaurant, one of my cousins took my mom, my uncle an me in her car, but we went to the wrong Bean Spout Hot Pot, only one word difference. She was trying to call my 88 year old aunt but she left her cell phone at home.  She tried to call my uncle's home aide who was with my aunt, his phone was turned off.  My sister had my mom's cell phone but I do not remember the number. We asked around and found out there was another Bean Sprout Hot Pot down the street. Since it was so difficult to find a parking space, we decided to walk down and leave the car parked where it was. I was holding my 90 year uncle's arm slowing walking down the street while my cousin ran ahead to make sure it was the right hot pot ahead. Suddenly, my mom pushed me away from my uncle, she wanted to held my uncle's arm. So my 86 year mom held her 90 year old brother step by step walking down the street. It took them more than half hour to finally reach the right hot pot. After dinner, my uncle was really tried, he could not left his feet up to my cousin's SUV. It took their home aide a great effort to push him into his seat since he was a big man.
     My sister got up at 5:30 AM next morning as usual, she had been getting up at 5:30 AM every morning to cook rice porridge for my parents. My parents have a programmable rice cooker she could set it up the night before, but she wanted to cook the rice porridge the old fashion way. My father gets up around 6:30 AM and goes out to exercise. My mom would get up around the same time, she opened windows for fresh air.  My sister closes windows after her, she yells "the heat is on, Mom".  My mom never listens to her. To make my father happy, I did cook one morning when I could not sleep at 3 AM. I used oatmeal with chopped apple, walnuts and cinnamon.
     Their home aide arrived at 7 AM and felt uneasy since he suppose to cook.  My aunt said my sister's porridge was not as good so she should stop cooking.  Their aide works from 7 AM to 7 PM for 7 days, and covers 3 meals plus all cleanings. He was a cousin on my 88 year old aunt's side, and was hired a year after my aunt broke her hip. She and my uncle were going out but my uncle's big feet tripped her. Her surgery was very successful now she could walk again. We called their aide 'old brother' and went with him to the farmer's market daily shopping, also to buy things we liked.  On the way there, my sister noticed this family massage place. They were all blind or partially blind.  She wanted to feel and learn from different massages.  I have never paid anyone for massage, only my sister worked on me whenever I see her.  350 yuan for 12 times, so 3 of us could have 4 massages. My sister felt like she was on vacation, she enjoyed free time here.
     The next day my father called, wanted one of us back home. His cousins want to go back home. We were shocked since they just came to see my father a day before. My mother said my sister should go back so she only enjoyed one massage which was a huge disappointment.  The older brother and I tried to finish the rest of the massage every day. One day, he decided to have his shoes polished by a lady sitting on the sidewalk. He looked very proud and really enjoyed the service. I noticed his shoe inserts; they were hand-embroiled so beautifully that I thought it was a waste to step on them. He said his wife made them when she had nothing to do at home. Nothing to do? She works in a restaurant daily till midnight and he takes a bus to pick her up every night for her safety.

Hand-embroiled shoe inserts

     After my sister left, I asked my mom if she wanted me to move into her room since I was in my aunt's room and I know both have a life long rivalry. She did not like it when we talked as if we talked about her, I could move into her room but she said No, so I continue stayed with my aunt in her room.  It is very common in China that a couple sleep in their own room after the kids are gone. Still my aunt checked my uncle every night, he wet his pants every now and then.  She will have to help him change. My uncle refused to wear diapers since it was not comfortable, so the aide would do laundry almost every day or every other day.
     My 90 years old uncle did slow down a lot.  But he still tried to keep his routine every day, each night, he soaked the soy beans, red and black beans, plus goji berries. The next morning, first he listened to the radio for the weather, he has a note book to record daily temperature high and low, then he compared them the same day different years. He then exercised by following the radio music which reminded me when I was in College.  The same music only I do not remember most movements. I watch him and noticed that he did not remember much either. Sadly he forgot to do this every day. He then put all soaked beans into the soy milk machine making thick chowder like soup.  He wanted all of us to have a bowl of that before a bowl of rice porridge, a hard boiled egg plus a steam bun. Honestly that I could not finish all what he ate, I have not eaten hard boiled eggs for years.  So I had two bowls plus half steam buns we bought the night before, they also ate a lot more fatty meats.  They have a little high cholesterol but their blood pressure was fine and they do not take any pills.
     The next thing my uncle would do daily was checking the daily newspaper, he will have to change his shoes, then take his cane to go down stairs to the mail box. The cement stairs are very steep with at least 20 steps.  He would check 3-4 times since 10 AM, but the papers do not come till around 1 PM.  He had 2 kinds of papers, one local Zigong, one from my city Chengdu where his two sister live. I was worried but my mom was even worse, she took away his mail box key and would not let him go down. My aunt and the aide said he held the railing plus his cane slowly go down and slowly up.  It is his daily things and it is OK. My mom went down and got his paper, very soon, my uncle was looking for his key, he searched every one of his pockets, nothing.  Then he asked my mom and my mom said she has it but my uncle could not hear unless she yelled close to one of his ears.  I was trying to use my hand pointing my mom, he said to my mom "you gave me the papers, you have to have the keys." My mom did not go to tell him close to his ear so my uncle gave up.  In the evening, my aunt told my mom to give back his keys since he had other keys he needed to use in his room including for his money. He give the aide money for food shopping every 10 days, the aide said my uncle owed him 225.  He already asked him a few times, he forgot to give the money back to him.  So I said, could I give them to you? He said No so I asked my uncle gave him 225.  My uncle first searched his bags, nothing.  Then he used his key opened his locked drawer, he give the aide 300 yuan, but the aide gave him back 75.  My uncle counted the money, he said 10 yuan short.  The aide said there was a 20 bill, then I help him count again and showed him 20 yuan.  He then agreed, it was alright and we all needed to make sure the money was alright.
     We visited my youngest aunt's Ju hua grave, her daughter took us there.  My mom cried very hard there. It was her baby sister who died unexpectedly from a traffic accident.  The next day we planned to visit my grand mom's grave.  My aunt yelled at her husband's ear at lunch time, "do you want to go to see your mom?".  He answered, " yes, yes".  After lunch, my aunt left in a rush since she had to go play Mujong with her friend every day till 4 PM.  The aide cleaned up and also left for his break, my mom said my grand mom's grave was half way up the hill, hundreds of steps of steep stairs. We could not take him with us and we could not be responsible if something happened to him.  She was firm that we could not take him.  At the same time, my uncle was preparing his new clothes to take a shower.  I started a panic attack since the aide was not around.  I asked him to wait for the aide to come back. My uncle said he always took a shower himself.  I was still uneasy, so I told him that I would wait outside just in case.  After his shower, he asked me to go to his room to get the navy blue suit hanging in his closet. I went and helped him to put it on, it was difficult but finally helped him button all the buttons to be ready to go.  My mom was watching us from the living room, she walked over and yelled at my uncle's ear, nap time, nap time. almost 2 PM, you are late.  My uncle suddenly woke up and said " yes, nap time, I am going to take a nap".  He slowly walk into his room by his bed, he started to unbutton himself, took off his suit and went to bed instead. I closed his door and we took off to see my grand mom. When I thought my mom was out of her mind, she was very clear, when I thought she did not hear, she heard it.

My Grandmother's gravesite

     While we stayed in Zigong, my mom had two nice phone conversions with my dad.  She showed her care and love to my dad, asking him to take care of himself.  My mom's call melted my father's heart, he told me that we could stay as long as we wanted. My uncle and aunt recommended a family podiatrist to my mom since she walked funny.  She refused to go at first but went later, she ended up having 6 corns taken care of on her both feet.  My brother was coming back 12/31 and leaving on the 3rd, we were going to have a family meeting about hiring a helper for my parents. To make sure we got the tickets, I went to the bus station to get our tickets the day before.  When I told my mom I got the return ticket, she said "you stay here, I will leave tomorrow'.  I looked at her puzzled, she quickly realized her mind was short for a second, she did not say anything to correct herself.  She must remember the old days, she comes and goes and leaves me there.  We could all feel that my mom had her moments, but she refused to go to the doctor for a checkup.  Her annual physical was fine except for her high blood pressure.  My aunt talked to my mom a lot while she was there, telling her that "her nutritional supplements" would not work, only cheated all her money from the pyramid scheme. I did not want to touch the subject, but told her she needed to take her blood pressure pills every day, she needed to take care of my dad the same way she was taking care of her 90 year brother.  Her brother listened to her and takes all the supplements she brought to him.  My father never took her supplements since he got 6-7 kinds of medicines from the best hospital in our region.
     The bus station is very clean and modern; it now has a security check just like the airport. I was amazed that condoms were still free, not in a box like I saw when I was a little; but of course, that is part of the government's population control. They are dispensed from a self-serve machine. I saw a baby backpack made from bamboo, something I have not seen anywhere in the city. I also noticed a farmer with a rooster waiting for the bus; he told me he was going to see his son in the city. When I came too close to the rooster, trying to take a picture, the rooster was scared and he moved away from me and closer to his owner. The poor thing did not know that he would be their dinner soon. Still, the rooster must have had a very close relationship with the owner; he did not look like a caged rooster. He was a happy rooster in the farmer's yard, and wandered free till the day he sacrificed himself for his owner's dinner.

     One thing I liked  was that the bus was under speeding control, the speaker would announce when the driver speeding.  3-4 times both ways, the speaker said "you are close to the speed limit, slow down please.  It would repeat till the driver slowed down.  The bus went to my city every half hour on the hour, over 50 trips each day.  We could also take the train like we used to when I was little but it would be slow since it stops at every stops.
     My brother came back at 1 AM before us, he made us a nice fish dinner. He was asleep in his bedroom already.  My sister said she could sleep in my father's bedroom in that little bed where my brother slept.  I could sleep with my mother. My mother said No.  I said I could sleep in my father's room then, my sister did not need to move, only a week left for me before I go back to USA. I was hoping to move back to my brother's room since he was leaving after New Year's on the 3rd. Boy, I understood why my father's cousin wanted to leave a day after.  After all he was over 60 years old, my father let his son stay in my brother's room. The father in his room, little bed next to his big bed. He would not let anyone into my mom's room so my mom's room was empty. My father's snoring like thunder,  I used the ear plugs from the airplane but they did not help. No wonder my mom moved out and my brother did not want to return.
     My brother took our aunt's family and us out for New Year's.  He booked a private room with a private bathroom for our aunt.  The meal was abundant and also covered my sister's needs since my she was vegetarian.  The meal made my mom very happy, she ate a lot so did everyone else. My father had to watch what he eats since now his blood sugar is little high. By the end, my sister and I packed leftovers.  My sister made sure every plate was clean. I said to my sister that she needed a spatula, she agreed.  Her actions amused my brother. He said "why don't you pack the table and chairs too." I said "if you paid for it, she would." everyone laughed. She packed all leftovers in Zigong as well where my cousins were laughing at her. We, Americans, are just cheap. For us still kept China's old traditions, waste food is something my sister and I could not stand for, my parents generation would agree with us.
     My brother is a wealthy bachelor in our big family, my sister said everything he had was all the best. He has been supporting all family members in need. I asked him if he needed anything before my return, I used to buy him white cotton socks, I asked him if he needed any more.  He did not reply and my sister said not to buy him anything, so I brought him nicotine gums hoping he could quit smoking.  I noticed his white socks on his feet were the same one I brought 5 years ago, they looked very bad. I asked him if he liked the socks why not tell me, the old socks like he was wearing from my boys and husband in my home would be great for floor mops.  I brought some smaller shrunken wool socks would not fit my boys for our northern cousins in the farms.  I picked the best one for my brother since it was much better than the one he was wearing. He put it on the next day.
     After breakfast, my brother was lying on his bed resting. His salted duck egg shell was not cleaned so my mom put it aside.  When my father came around, he noticed the egg shell too and was ready to clean it. I told him mom already saved it and she might look for it later.  He agreed. I was right, my mom did later clean the egg shell and ate every piece on the shell. My sister and I know better, this kind of things would never, never happen to us, we were long trained to clean after ourselves. Since his bedroom door was open I went in and sat next to my brother's bed, he looked tired. He had few words at home but did make my mom agree to hire a helper so my sister could go look for one.
     I called my sister to come in to give my brother a good massage.  She came in and asked if it was what he wanted, she was very careful and a little reserved, I said, yes I could feel his neck was so tight. She asked my brother to turn around on his stomach so she could work on his back.  I was massaging his neck while my sister was working on his back. My mom showed up at the door right away, she rushed over to me and stopped me from whatever I was doing.  She took over and said I was not doing it right. So I was watching two of them working on my brother.  My brother was just lying there and said nothing. We all loved him for sure, he has been a very good brother.  My sister said it might hurt a little since my brother's back is so tight.  I know I would scream when my sister was working on my back. But my brother did not say a word.
     While he was home for two days, he went food shopping Carrefour, a French multinational retailer, he bought me a piece of walnut soft candy, asking me to try it and it was very good, not sweet which is what most Asians wanted. I bought some roasted fava beans from Zigong, he liked. It reminded us of our childhood. After the massage, my brother was in a hurry to catch his flight back.  I had to take out my banana bread out to cut him a piece so he could take it with him.
     Now my brother was gone, I was hoping to move back to his room so I could sleep at night, surprised us all, my mom moved into my brother's room. She said my sister also snores. My sister said her family told her sometimes she snores. I thought my mom was giving me trouble again.  I said I would move in with my sister then.  My father was unhappy, he said "you could sleep anywhere you want".  Oops, I said, OK, I do not have many days left, I will stay in dad's room then.  His snores can't be more noise than trying to sleep on airplanes. My father smiled, he nodded his head and agreed with me. I have to say the first night was the most difficult night, after that it seemed he did not snore that much and not all the time.  When he was quiet, I started to worry.  I was trying so hard to hear his breathing.  Then he made a little sound, I was relieved again.
     I did not realized my brother's socks upset my father, my mom or dad (not sure who) washed my brother's old socks by hand after my brother left.  After drying, my father fold the socks and showed to my mom in front of me.  Ying's family uses this kind of socks as floor mops, she brought some old socks her sons wore for your son to wear. My mom did not say anything, I was upset and replied to him " That is right, we used old socks to mop the floor, if he does not tell me he liked the socks, I would not know, right?  I could buy some to mail them to him if you like."  My father did not say a word walked away.  He was saying that I should have thought about my brother even if he was not asking or reply to me.
     To make my father happy, right after I came back to US, I bought two packs of cotton socks plus an expensive pair of leather shoes for my brother.  Weining brought them back to my brother for me, she happened to come to Boston for a meeting right after I came back to the US , then went back to Chengdu to help her sick father.  Her father and my parents were college mates and they worked together till they retired, and they also lived near each other.  She wanted to add one package for my dad, my mom, and my sister since she planned to bring them something. I told her 'no' so they would not be upset again for me telling her the socks story.
     The next day my sister and I went out to the first senior aide office, interviewed the first woman who was 46 years old.  She was already helping a family after 3 PM so if we needed her any time before, that would be good.  We told her that we had two more persons to see in the afternoon and would get back to her. When we got home for lunch, we told our parent's about the woman we saw.  My father suddenly changed his mind about 4-5 hrs each day.  He told us that he needed to have 3 hot meals, home cleaning twice a week.  His change tossed our 3 people we just found.  We needed a 12 hours aide from 7 AM to 7 PM to cover 3 meals plus all the cleanings he needs.  We called the first woman we saw, she said she would have her mom drop off her kid to school so she could come at 7 AM but she will still need to leave at 2:30 PM the latest. We call the other two back, they told us they could only start at 9AM for 3-4 hours when their kids are in school. We have to start our search all over. My mom stopped the whole thing by saying they would not need any help, they could do everything themselves.  She was upset and firm!  My father backed out completely after my mom spoke. He now agreed with my mom, as long as my mom was not out all the time.  Two of them could manage everything.  But the fact still remained, they could not do everything, My sister and I were gone one night, when we came back, their rooms were steaming because the water in the kitchen was boiling for who know how long, my parents were watching TV.  The sound was blasting so that they could not even hear what we tried to say. I told my brother about what happened, he asked me to leave him all the information we had. I have been washing dishes since I got back, my sister was cooking.  I also cleaned every room including floors, window and doors and I could see my father was happy to see me cleaning.

Chimonanthus praecox (腊梅 làméi in Chinese)

     When I was in Chengdu and Zigong, I saw and smelled one of my favorite flowers blooming; it was Chimonanthus praecox (腊梅 làméi in Chinese), also known as wintersweet or Japanese allspice, a native to China. It has always symbolized pretty and strong women in Chinese poems, because it blooms in the winter.





     Another was Magnolia × alba, also known as White Champaca, white sandalwood, or the white jade orchid tree. I asked about these white, very fragrant flowers. I know it was not blooming time but I bought them before, so I was looking for them again.  My sister and my cousins were laughing at me, they said I must have mixed up the times since the flower was blooming in the summer. But I insisted that I bought some from a old lady who carried a small bamboo basket.  No one believed me so I had to give up.  Two days before I left Chengdu, on the way back from our shopping, my sister and I saw the lady again, she was right there, almost the same spot selling the flowers.  I was so excited and ran over to her.  She turned out to be the same lady from whom I bought the flowers 5 years ago, still the same price, one yuan for two. I bought 10 yuan worth.  The flowers came from a warmer place, Panzhihua (攀枝花), in the southern part of my province.  She was so happy and told us that we must have fate (缘分) since she carried her small basket wandering in the city.  She told me she had 3 sons, one of her sons paid over 30,000 yuan fine to keep his second son.  She emptied all her bank account to help her son but still her son's marriage did not survive.  Now the government allows two children but her low income could not pay her bills so she kept working and walking all over the city.  She was my father's age but much more healthy and happy.

Magnolia × alba

   

Chengdu's new subway, seniors free from 9AM - 5PM

       My mom has been very defensive since I got back, she does not like me talk to anyone.  When I was talking to my aunt she was wondering what we talked about. When I thought she did not hear me she did. When I thought she was confused, she was very clear in mind. She mentioned one thing I did not know about my aunt after we got back to Chengdu. She said when she went back to deliver our youngest sister, my aunt was upset from something.  She actually left her home and went to her older sister's place back in year of 1968. My uncle was very upset, their sky was crashing down without her. My mom was due any day, My grandpa was lying in bed, my grandma with bounded feet, their 3 kids plus me. 8 people needed her to feed, only she was capable to accomplish this task while working full time. I never remembered or saw my uncle or my aunt ever upset, my uncle was such a easy going person. Yes, my aunt talked a lot, but she did all the housework. My mom did not feel a bit sorry for her as if it was her job. I only remembered my grandpa died and my sister was born around the same time, not knowing my aunt left home for a few days. My mom loves her older brother unconditionally. He saved the whole family by working instead of continuing his higher education. He refused to marry till all his siblings finished college and he turned 30 years old. I had to tell my mom that I am on her side to make her happy.  The truth is that my aunt is really  an incredible woman.  She still has a very clear mind, good hearing and is free to go out walking, taking the bus to wherever. They do not have any kids living close by, one 90 and one 88 years old, they lived a very good life together. They are our examples and we all need to learn from them.
     I was very stressed that I have not really getting close to my mom and I am leaving the next day. Around 2:30 PM, my mom called me over to sit next to her. Ow, I was so happy, rushed over to her.  She started to show me her book with a big magnifying glass, the same book a Japanese wrote and was translated into Chinese, it was her bible. She started to read the book slowly with her magnifying glass.  Her older brother too, refused to wear glasses or a hearing aid, he used the same kind of magnifying glass to read. Two of them sat on the sofa reading with magnifying glasses, my aunt said to me "the two do belong to the same family".  I laughed.
     I sat next to my mom leaning over her shoulder listening.  It was like our old days every time I called her, she read to me on the phone, newsletter or book, it could last over an hour.  I looked at her face close, my poor mother, she lost a lot of weight and really aged. She was thinking about the pharmacist Mr Wu's wife Zhang back in USA.  Her feet kept growing a big blister, no one knows why but it is very painful.  I felt my father was jealous about Mr Wu since I was close to him.  I thought my mom too since she refused to talk to them when I was talking to them.  Now my mom gave me 4 bottles of one kind, another few sheets of different kinds of pills, filled up my last space of my carry on.  She thought about her, she wanted to ease her pain.  I put my hand over her head telling her one strand of her hair was up, I just needed to pat them down.  She did not refuse my touch and I felt so happy I could be close to her again like we used to be.  My sister was passing by after finishing giving my father a massage in his room, she put her thumb up and smiled to me.  My mom refused her massage, but it did help my father a lot since he has a disc on his back in the wrong place. He could not walk straight, also improve his hand and feet numbness.
    After dinner, I told my father that I will sleep with my sister in my mom's room since I had to leave at 4 AM in the morning.  This way we would not disturb them.  My father said he would be up anyway.  Boy, my mother was right, my sister does snore, not much better than my father since I am much closer to her on the same bed.  I did not sleep much again.  About 3:30 AM next morning, my mom got up and we were all surprised.  My mom stuffed a set of home aid set for back pain with herbs into a extra bag that I carried with extra clothes.  I pushed my mom back to my brother's room, helped her back to her bed.  I hugged her really tight and gave her a kiss on each side of her cheek. She pushed me away, and said "we do not do that."  I then covered her with her blankets while she sat on the bed.  I held her hands, "Mom, please talk to me when I call you like you used to."  Please take your blood pressure pills everyday, you could live very long if you get your blood pressure under control.  No skipping the pills please.  Then I saw my father walk out of his room, I then pushed him back to his room, helped him back to his bed.  I hugged him very tight and also kissed him on the cheeks, he kissed back on my cheeks and we both started to cry.  I asked him to take the best care of himself, stay calm and let things go.  I will be back soon, make sure wait for me.
     My sister helped me with my 50 lbs suitcase, my backpack was heavy too plus a bag of clothes now stuffed full.  We had booked a taxi last night, asking him to wait at the gate at 4 AM to take us to the airport.  He did not show up so my sister called him, he did not pick up the phone.  So we started to walk towards the main road, a taxi came by so we stopped him.  He happened to be coming from my father's hometown, working as a taxi driver in my city over 5 years.  I asked him if he used to live in the south with very high humility, he was fine, then he said he needed to fill up the gas, only 5 minutes.  I started to get nervous since he was getting off the highway.  After a short drive, he did stop at a gas station.  We stepped out of the car so he could fill the gas, I did not know he was filling up real natural gas in liquid form, not petroleum.  He later said since Sichuan has abundant natural gas, all taxis use natural gas, one fill could run a little over 270 kilometers.  It also reminded me about what my father had told me about natural gas.  In his life time, they were the only one and others were begging them for the natural gas.  Now Russian gas entered China, one of their gas companies went bankrupt due to the competition.  Now they have salesmen out there selling gas.
     My return flight was smooth; two of my sons went back to college already, only Joe was home for a few more days.  Anthony's father was scheduled for his surgery the day after I returned.  He was diagnosed with colon cancer.  Anthony planned to drive home to help his father for a week and he did.  I was a little surprised that his mother sent me an email thanking me for borrowing my husband for a week.  I replied that it was his duty since he was her son.  I went back to China for 3 weeks and my sister was still there since last May.  When I was there, my father actually mentioned a daughter of one of his colleagues actually quit her job in order to take care of her parents.  I replied to him that every family is different, I was sure his daughter did was her best choice.  The neighbors all blamed us that we married too far away and now my parents agreed with them.
     A famous phrase says "少不入蜀, 老不出川" which means "When you are young, do not enter Sichuan. When you are old, do not leave Sichuan". Young men from the North would enter Sichuan, and they would soon marry Sichuan's beautiful girls, and would never return to the North and forgot about their own families in the North. My father is a perfect example.
    The good news finally came this February, my brother's request for caring for his aging parents came through. He was transferred back to his home city at the end of February. My parents and my sister were overjoyed. Finally my sister came back to the US, and her family, her in-laws were very happy as well. My brother works during the day, and returns to my parents home everyday. He shops and cooks, and on the weekend, he would do all the cleaning. My father told me that my mom still ordered her health pills, just much less now. The only thing he felt uneasy was that my brother was spending his money covering all their expenses. He refused to take money from my father. I told him not to worry since my brother could afford to take care of them. My sister and I would try to come to see them soon.
    Everything worked for a while, my father's mobility was getting worse and worse. My brother brought him a wheelchair. He went back to the Hua Xi hospital for a short stay and brought back the hospital aide with him.  She is only 52 years old with 4 children, grandchildren and a great grandchild already. She came from the Guang'an (广安) where Deng Xiaoping was born. She stays with my father 24/7 except when my brother is off on Saturday and Sunday. She sleeps on the little bed where I slept for a few days when I was there. She also cooks and cleans for my parents.
     My father is happy,  not my mother.  She did not like this a bit and she wants her out of her house. My father told her that she could use his apron but my mom took it away from her.  She put it on herself, on the top she also put her own apron on, so she was wearing two different aprons.  My father gave some money to the maid and told her to buy one for herself.  Then said to my mom "Jufen, go take a look at yourself, you looks like a crazy lady. I needed her to help me since my hands and feet do not work well and you could not help me. If you make her leave and I have to hire another aide, it is difficult to find a good one for the right price. My mother would not eat the meal she cooked, my brother did not come back that night so my mom left home.  One of our neighbors ran into her on the street; he was concern since it was so late already.  He talked to her and took her back to the gate. He told the security guard sent my mom home.  My mom refused; she said she did not want to go back home.  My father was home worrying about where my mom went, finally saw the officers take my mom home at midnight.
     My father called my brother the next morning "Jie, you need to come home and talk to your mother".  My brother said "I will come back tonight and take a day off tomorrow since I worked last night, I have to work today and everything is already in motion at the airport.  My father still insisted that my brother comes back home to talk to my mom and my brother did make it back home in the morning.  My mom now only listens to my brother. My father ended up giving my mom money so she could walk to the senior dining to eat her 3 meals since she refused to eat the meals made by the maid.  But the senior dining hall closes on the weekend. One day my mom came back early without eating. She saw my father and the maid were eating breakfast, the maid got up right away, remembering it was Saturday.  She went to the kitchen and got a half bowl of porridge and apologized to my mom that she forgot about the day of the week and did not cook enough, now she was going to warm up the steamed buns for my mom too.  My mom did not sit down, but picked up the chopsticks and threw them back to the table.  "I am not eating" and walked away.
     Later when the maid cooked dinner, my mom complained "that big pile of spinach you cooked, just this little back to the table? you are eating while cooking, right?.  The maid opened her mouth but failed to say a word.  My father said, the spinach shrinks so much after cooking, you should know. Plus she eats with us anyway, if she ate in the kitchen, she would eat less at the table, right?.
     When the maid cleans the house, my mom would follow her around and point out where it was not clean.  The maid would clean one more time, by the end, she said the towel she was using was too dirty. My father said there are new ones in the cabinet, take a new one.  My father said "She was trying to pick bones out of an egg".
     My mom still refused to talk to me, every time I talked to my father.  He said "your mom still thinks you do not want her to buy those health pills so she would not talk to you, she still spent all her pension on them". I was blamed for something I did not do since she mixed up me and my sister. She used to read her health literature on the phone to me but now she reads to my sister. Once she thought I was my sister and talked to me, but if I she heard my name, she would hang up the phone.  On the other hand, I really do not want to pretend that I was my sister talking to her. As my father said, his body does not work well anymore and my mom's brain does not work well. They both are sick and need help. My mom just needs to get over the fact that there is female, younger than me her kids, who sleeps in their master bedroom. And my father does not have a better choice to please my mom at this point.
 
Starbucks offers to pay health insurance for parents of some China employees : It is required under China's "Protection of the Rights and Interests of the Elderly" law that family members provide for the financial and medical needs of their parents.  My grandmother's health was covered under my parents health benefits from their work back in the 1970s, so this is not new.